"I don't have a home anymore." 

"Oh darling, you will always have a home. It's not only a roof above your head. It's not where you lay your head to rest. Home is where you can dry your tears. Home is where you feel loved and wanted. Home is where you belong."

"No, you don't understand. My home has found another person to protect. He has a new owner. My home has a new owner. And right now I'm homeless."

"Maybe you need to build a home out of yourself. Make yourself your home and that way, you don't need someone to make you feel loved or wanted. That way, you can belong to no one but yourself."

So I watched The Judge 2 days ago and damn, it was so sad. I literally bawled my eyes out at the part where the son took care of his sick father and all. It reminded me of my grandpa. Again. It's been 6 years since he died and I still remember it all too well. I remember the phone call, the screaming, the tears, my mom passing out and everything else.

And I still have those nights where I think about him. We were (are) so close. I was (am) his favorite grandchild and he was (is) a father figure to me. And I miss him so much. I still do. Sometimes I wonder whether he would be proud of what I am right now. I wonder what he would think of me if he were still alive. I wonder about everything he would do if he were still alive.

I am now studying in his city, his university. I don't know whether it is a coincidence or not. But I bet if he were still here, we would visit me regularly, he would take me to places where he grew up, he would tell me story about every place where he used to visit with my grandma. If he were still here.
If he were still here.

It's just too bad that he's not around anymore.

And I don't know why I made this post about him just now. I guess I just miss him so much and I wish he were still here with me and my family. It was such a shame that my little brother couldn't get the chance to know his grandpa. I bet he would love him, like the way I still do. I mean, what's not to love? He was the nicest and coolest person I've ever known in my entire life.

And I guess I will never stop missing him. If someone asks me whom I miss the most in this world, I would instantly say his name with no doubt.

I just hope that he's happy wherever he is right now. Because he deserves to be happy. Yes, he deserved happiness, not a freaking cancer.

..........

I'm such a hypocrite. Some of my posts are about how important it is to take every chance that life throws at you. I wrote about how it is better to try and fail than not to try at all. I talked about how you need to live in the moment and never be worried about the future.

And here I am. Scared as hell to take the chance life throws at me. Afraid to try, afraid to fail.
Here I am. Worrying too much about the future. Yeah, so much for living in the moment. I am such a coward.

But the thing is, everyone has those nights where their brains are clouded with the "what if" questions and boy, did it scare the hell out of me. I hate myself for always thinking the worst out of every situation. I can't help it. People keep on disappointing me every time and it's just so hard to trust people. Even sometimes I don't trust my bestfriends and bestfriends are supposed to trust each other. Heck, I don't even trust myself. How am I supposed to trust my heart in the hand of someone? I have no idea.

Honestly, I'm scared. But everyone will have to experience a lot of heartbreaks before they find the one, won't they?