Goodbye and Thank You.

So, another ending of a year, eh?

2015 has indeed been a roller coaster year. There were days when I felt like I was the happiest girl alive, there were days when I felt like the whole world was against me and there were days when I felt nothing at all.

There were nights when I felt like I was doing nothing at all and that I was going nowhere. Nights when I felt like my life is useless and that I wasn't good enough. Nights when my thoughts haunted me down to my dreams.

But there were also nights when I fell asleep smiling like a fool. Nights when I didn't want to sleep because the reality was much better than my dreams. Nights when I fell asleep thinking about happy things and all the endless possibilities. Nights when I felt like nothing could bring me down. Nights when I felt like everything was right and that I was here for something greater than my pain and heartaches.

Nonetheless, 2015 was such a great year. My blessings were bigger than my worries and problems. I shouldn't be complaining because now that I think about it, I got so much more than I deserve. I learned a lot and it would take hours to mention all the things I have learned in this year.

Thank you 2015, for all the experiences I got, the lessons I learned, and the new people I met. Thank you for bringing me closer to my future and most of all, thank you for being better than 2014. May 2016 be better than 2015.

Cheers to a new year!

Bury me

That Wednesday night, December 31st 2014, she was up all night digging a six feet depth hole. Then, she put everything from her past inside a box and put that box in the hole.

She looked down the hole. Hesitation swept over her. Should I bury him or should I keep him. Should I force stop whatever feelings I have or should I let it grow. If I force it to stop, will I be okay? If I let it grow, will it consume me?

She looked down the hole. Took a deep a breath and raised her hoe. Bury. Bury. Bury. Bury the box with everything in it. Burying it alive so it would soon be dead. Be dead, be dead, be dead. So it would never resurface.

---

"Hi," he greeted.
Please, don't resurface.
"How are you? It's been so long," a smile was planted on his face.
I can feel everyhing crawling back. Please stay six feet under the ground. I thought everything was dead.
"I miss you."
No, the dead will always haunt me. Not to mention that I was the one who murdered it.

"If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."

That is probably one of the saddest quotes I have ever read. Yeah, let me be the more loving one. For, true love isn't about getting something in return. It's about giving and still giving even though you get nothing.

Untitled

It's late, dear, go sleep.
To your bedroom, where dreams hide deep.
Take the stairs, go upstairs.
I'll sing you a song till dream claims you in.

Hello, pink veiled blankets.
Will you keep her safe?
From all the ghost, lurking in the distance.
From all her past, eating her resistance.

Night lamp, the dimly source of light.
Will you help her fight?
The nightmares that try to get in,
The phobias that try to creep in.

Hey there, sateen laced pillow.
Could you bring her tomorrow?
Bring her the bright blue sky,
Get her to jump and fly.

And you, hey little teddy bear,
Can I leave her in your care?
Hug her tight, don't let go.
Give her might, don't get low.

It's late, dear, say good night.
Your bedroom told me, it's now alright.
So sleep, my angel, my sun at night.
You are my light, so keep being bright.

------------

It was exactly a year ago when I recieved this poem. Can't believe it has been a whole year since that. Never had I thought this poem would mean a lot to me, but it did. It is by far, my favorite. Whenever I read the poem, so many things and memories come rushing to my mind and it never fails to paint a smile on my face.

We've managed to make it through one loop and we still have so many loops to go, don't we?

P.s: I changed some of the words due to some grammar mistakes because I just hate grammar mistakes that much :p

Numbers

"... And it wasn't my choice to love you but it was mine to leave. I don't think the moon ever meant to be a satellite, kept in loving orbit, locked in hopeless inertia, destined to repeat the same pattern over and over--to meet in eclipse with the sun--only when the numbers allowed."

-Lang Leav, Memories

Holiday is coming!

Hi!
Final exams are almost over and I am so happy because I have been a complete mess in this past few days due to the amount of assignments I have and also the final exams but now holiday is so close and I can't wait to come home and meet everyone I miss so much!

But I think I don't really do good in this semester even though I've worked my ass off every night. I have a very strong feeling that my GPA will go down the hill. Sigh. Why is it so hard to maintain a good score?! I was happy with my scores last semester and now I have to kiss my good scores goodbye. Whatever. I don't care.

Anyway, I have been messing with WordPress a few days ago and I was thinking that WordPress is somehow cooler than Blogger (sorry, Bloggy!) and I decided to make one. I don't even know the reason why I made a WordPress. It just seems cool. Hehe. Anyway you can find me on wordpress or you can still find me on blogger or my other social medias cause I am pretty much everywhere. Or maybe not.

Cheers to the holiday!

Well, at least there's someone who understands...




And It's rather funny that the one who can understand you is the one you haven't talked to in months....

Do you wanna build a snowman?

The sound of her alarm woke her up from her 3 hours sleep and not even a minute later, everything from last night came like a tsunami into her mind. All the screamings, cursings, tears, slamming doors and leaving. A sigh escaped her lips as she got up and tried to start the day. She wanted so badly to go back to sleep and forget about everything, if she could, she wanted to sleep until Christmas. But too bad, life does not work like that. She knew she couldn't run from the reality because sooner or later, it would catch up with her.

It was 9 am when she felt the air was a little bit too cold for her liking and when she opened her window, the snow was already falling. A small smile made its way to her lips. She always loved snow and winter. When she was a kid, she used to stick her tongue out and wait until the snowflake entered her mouth and melted into water. She would build a snowman with her brother, and her mom would get mad at them because they stole her carrots to make the snowman's nose. And as she grew older, she found snow so fascinating and magical. She always thought that it was not easy to see the beauty of snowflakes and one must stand in the cold to observe it. It reflected life. One cannot see the beauty of life without any pain or struggle.

The snow was falling slow and beautiful, just like the way she liked it. She wished she could go out and walk in the snow. She liked walking during the snowy day and leaving footprints on the snow. The footprints were a reminder for her that no matter how lonely and lost she felt, she could always look back and see the marks of herself that could always lead her home.

But today, she was not planning to go anywhere, it was time for her to spend a day home with herself, a cup of hot chocolate, her favorite book and the falling snow.

It was around noon when someone was knocking on her front door. She froze. She knew it was him and she knew he'd come but still, she was unprepared. She almost try to pretend like there was no one at home but the plan left her mind when he said "I know you're in there". Well, there was no point in hiding anymore.

The walk to the front door was a torture. She was making up words to say to him and they all disappeared the moment she opened the door. The image of him screaming and cursing at her was still fresh in her mind. His eyes, his heavy breathing, his rage, they were still there, still haunting her.

"I'm sorry, I never meant to act like... that," he whispered. His voice was too soft and he looked like he didn't get any sleep last night. Well, at least she was not the only one hurting.

"I know."

"Forgive me?"

"We always forgive each other, don't we? I mean, isn't that what lovers do, forgive each other despite of everything?"

"I have hurt you too many times already and I feel like someday you're going to leave because of me,"

"But I have hurt you, too. People tend to hurt someone they really love, you know? And that's why we keep hurting each other, isn't it? We love so much and in return, we get hurt so much. But in the end, it's all worth the pain, right?"

She continued, "you are like snowflakes"

"Huh?"

"Don't you get it? Snowflakes for me are God's most beautiful creature but in order to see the beauty of them, I have to wait for so many months and once they come, I don't get to feel the beauty of them unless I stand outside. Cold and freezing. But it's all worth it. The cold is nothing compared to the joy and happiness I feel when I am standing there in the middle of a cold snowy day, feeling the softness of the snowflakes when they fall on my skin. It's a bliss," she paused, "you are my snowflakes I have always been waiting for"

Silence.

"Do you wanna build a snowman?" He didn't know what else to say. His heart was filled with all the love he had for her. She was true, everything will be worth it in the end. She was worth everything he had and more. He loved her.

"Did you just quote Anna from Frozen?" A giggle escaped her mouth, she couldn't stay mad at him for so long. "Do you have some carrots on you? We have to use carrot as the snowman's nose."

"Do I look like someone who carries carrot on my pocket everyday to you?"

"Yes, you do." She grinned. It was funny that the one who made you sad was also the one who could cheer you up again, she thought.

:(

What is wrong with me? I've been a complete mess in these past few days. I've never been like this before, all I want to do is to curl up on my bed and cry myself to sleep :(

Uni has finally struck again. I thought I had everything figured out, I thought everything was going pretty nicely but no. The pressures got the best of me. I am once again a mess because of the pressures of uni. I know I may kind of sound a little bit overreacting but I always put my education and assignments above anything else and when I think everything is not going the way I planned it, I get stressed. And I don't even have time to enjoy myself by simply reading my favorite books. I don't even have time to my personal service anymore, hell, I don't even have time to take care of my health anymore. And I know it's wrong to some people, but maybe they don't understand why I am doing this. My mind is filled with the list of things I have to do, with all the works that need to be done before tomorrow and that only leaves a small room for anything else. I know what my first priority is and I know I won't get there if I slack off. I know people will say "take a break" "don't push yourself" but I wouldn't be right where I am now if I never pushed myself, would I? I always push myself and I think I count that as a gift. If I want to go far at life, I have to have the will to push, don't I? I have goals and to be honest, I take failing seriously and that is why I keep pushing myself to the point where I have no energy left to push. And in this time like this, another part of me leashes out and begs me to feel everything I have ignored so well before. The stress, the pressures, the tiredness are finally bubbling up and forcing their way out of me and now they're all eating me alive. My body is asking for a break, heck, everything inside of me is asking for a break, for a 8 hours of sleep. In this time like this I feel like I am at my lowest point of life and I have every right to complain, cry and leave. I have every right to leave everything and just enjoy myself alone.


...well maybe I will after I finish this assignment first.

Maybe I should make a list about the do's and the don'ts or the should's and the shouldn'ts so I won't mess up anymore.



spilling your guts out is definitely a don't.

Currently in the state of wanting to stop caring about my grades and GPA but then I know I have to do well in uni because life is hard