"I remember when I was younger and I wanted to be beautiful; now I’m older and I want to be intelligent. I want to burn hearts with brilliance and engulf souls with compassion. I want to be loved for my thoughts and nothing else."

No one likes messy

This is from the book "All The Bright Places" and I can relate to the girl character more than I can relate to any other characters from every book I have read.

I am messy. Messier than what it looks like from the outside, messier ghan my bedroom. Perhaps it is my thoughts that are messy and unarranged. Perhaps my thoughts are strings with too many dead knots that I cannot unknot.

I have secrets. Secrets that I keep only to myself because I know if I tell anyone, they would think less of me. If I tell any soul, I know they'd be disgusted, they'd judge, and they'd leave. I have my own secrets because it feels good to know that there is a part of me that no one else knows.

Per aspera ad astra

"Per aspera ad astra" it was my moto during my last year of high school where everything was so hectic and tiring. Then, I forgot about it. Literally forgot about it until today when I was browsing on the internet about ancient Greek.

And surprisingly, that moto can fit (again) into my life right now which is a huge chaos. Anyway, per aspera ad astra means "through difficulfies to the stars" or in a way, it means that you have to suffer the difficulties before you finally succeed. And somehow, that moto still boosts myself up in this kind of situation.

Hardship is the only way to get to the stars.

Where

I don't even know what's going on with me right now. It's not the people around me. It's me, purely me. Like, I feel so pathetic, so useless. I'm starting to question my existence here in this world, my purpose. I'm starting to wonder whether what and where I am right now is right. I'm starting to remember all the dreams I have and now, I feel like I am getting further away from my dreams. I feel like I have no clear destination and goals.

God, my 15 years old self had a lot of plans for uni but where had all the plans gone? Where had all the spirits gone? When did I become this unmotivated and so out of energy?

I am starting to mess up my future and everything I have ever planned and dreamed of.

Crescent

Kiss me under the crescent moon,
Where there is nothing to be heard,
Where the wolves do not howl,
Where the wind whispers sweet nothings to us.

Let's dance under the crescent moon,
Where the only sound is our moving feet,
Where the wolves swallow their howls,
Where the rain slowly washes our pain away.

Can we stay underneath the crescent moon?
Where there is nothing but silence.
Crescent moon, where the wolves are too scared to howl.
Crescent moon, where things are so peaceful.

Crescent moon, stay high.
Let your scent radiate in this whole world.

Moon and Sea

You're the moon and I am the sea. Every night you would always try to pull me up, like you're trying so hard to get me to you even though you know we'd never touch. And when you're tired, you hide away, letting the sun take over and with that, you also put me in my lowest point, again.

How could you pull me up so high only to let me down again?

Because at nights I cannot control my own brain. It turns into an unforgiving sadistic killer that tortures me slowly by stabbing rusty knives and needles into my soul as I cry for help.

It doesn't kill me. I always survive to see another sunrise but with each sunrise also comes another sunset which mean another night I have to go through. Another torture.

No, it doesn't kill me. But no, it doesn't make me any stronger.

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #17

I remember all the promises he promised not to break. Now I see it all breaking. It's like a domino effect. One domino represents one promise. He pushed the first domino when he first broke a promise, and as the dominos kept falling, he kept breaking every single promise.

And the last domino is his promise where he promised to love me forever. But the dominos kept falling, I don't know how long will it take until the second last domino hits the last domino.

It's like we are skating on a thin layer of ice. One wrong move and we'll drown. One wrong move, then we'll be done.


And none of us can skate. It's us against all the odds.