dear me

dear past me,
You're lucky to have such an amazing family who will always love you even after all those stupid careless things you've done. You've met so many people and you've made so many amazing best friends who will always keep your feet on the ground. You've been through so much. You've endured so much pain and sorrow. You've fought all your demons and fears. You've experienced heartbreaks and separations and you've cried so many tears and yet you never gave up. I know you felt like giving up, you felt like you are nothing and there is no hope for you. But still, you found the light in the darkness. You found that hope you've been searching for. You found the meaning of life. You finally realized that life goes on and everything will be alright in the end. Dear past me, thank you. Thank you so much for not giving up. Thank you so much for making me who I am today. Thank you so much for the lessons. Thank you.

dear future me,
I hope you've learned from your previous mistakes. I hope you've learned that life is not easy and you have to keep fighting to survive this world. I hope you've learned that people will come and go, that some people are not meant to stay forever. I hope you've learned not to depend on others, I hope you've learned that sometimes, you only have yourself to depend on. I hope you remember all the people who had been there for you through every up and down and I hope you will not take them for granted. I hope you can accept the fact that you can't do everything right and people will always judge and I hope people's judgments will not break you down. I hope you've learned that you cannot trust everyone so easily, please stop being so gullible. I want you to be stronger. I want you to be a master of your own world, but you have to know that you cannot control everything. You're allowed to make mistakes because people do that all the time. Please take every chance that life throws at you. Don't be afraid to get hurt because you've been there before and it didn't kill you. And please, please, please be happy, because you deserve it. After everything you've gone through in your past, you fucking deserve to be happy. Please be happy, I'm begging you.

Garden

You gave him a key to your heart, and he entered it so fast that you didn't even notice it and he was just suddenly there inside your heart, taking a stroll and marking his territory. Then he planted all types of flowers inside your heart and as the flowers grew, your heart also bloomed with them. He made you and your heart happy. He didn't stop there. He started to learn and figure out your heart until he became the master of it. And before you knew it, he was already owning your body and soul. No, he owned your world, your universe. Your sun rose and set around him and without you knowing it, your world had become the slave to him. Yes, a slave. Because suddenly there was nothing you wouldn't do for him. Because suddenly you felt like you weren't good enough for him that you would give up everything you owned to make him happy. You gave him everything and anything he wanted until there was nothing left of you to give. Then, he got bored with you and he decided to leave your heart. He ripped your heart in two and left so abruptly, so carelessly, throwing the key you gave him and taking all the flowers he had planted before and what was left inside of you was only the hole where the flowers used to grow.

And until now, you don't know how to fix that hole he made. 

dead wishes

'how are you?' he asks,

and I wish I could tell him,
how badly I want to run my fingertips
through his hair;
I wish I could tell him,
how I long to be encircled in his arms;
I wish I could tell him,
how much I yearn to put my lips on his,
and taste the roughness of his lips;
I wish I could tell him,
how much I think about him when the dark swallows the sun;
I wish I could tell him,
that I never stop loving him,
that I still love him, with every inch of my broken heart
I wish I could tell him,
that even after he shattered my heart,
the pieces of my brokenness still can find a reason
to love him, unbrokenly.

But I tell him what I always tell everyone,
'I'm alright' and like everyone else, he believes me.

They were young and in love

He said he would move heaven and hell just to see her smile

To marry her was his life's mission,

And funny how things changed.

They got old, 

and their love got cold.

Struggling to stay in love.

Heads under the table, 

searching for the love they once had.

Hair got grayer,

and hearts got blacker.

He finally put up his white flag

"I give up, my dear. For, it is harder to stay in love than to be in love."

And she put her head back under the table,

Maybe she can find the remaining pieces of her broken heart.

She's standing there
Her feet are bare
The wind dance with her hair
Her eyes are twinkling in delight, shining brighter than Sirius
Her mouth is curved upright
There's nothing on her shoulder
And she's staring into the ocean,
Holding the universe in her hands.

Hello, it's been a while, isn't it?
I've been so busy with life........ well if you consider reading books and watching tv series are life then yes, I've been busy with life. I don't even know how many books I've finished since the holiday started, I lost count. I've read so much that I wish I lived in their world instead of my world. I wish I were the main character in the most recent book I've read. Why can't real life be as easy and as wonderful as life in books? Why can't we end up having our own fairy-tale? Why can't we have that kind of love that only exists in books? That kind of love that can cure cancer and bring this world into peace. Does that kind of love even exist in real life? I never know but I wouldn't mind dying to try that kind of love.

It always fascinates me; the idea of falling in love and the concept of love itself. Books always describe love as something so wonderful, so beautiful, so magical and perhaps, books make me fall in love with the concept of love, the idea of it.

In most books, the writers usually tell us that when you love someone, you'd feel butterflies dancing freely in your belly, you'd see the brightest star in his/her eyes, you'd feel fireworks exploding in your chest whenever he/she looks at you, you'd feel tingles running down your skin whenever he/she holds your hand, you'd feel your cheeks turn crimson whenever he/she compliments you, you'd feel your eyes twinkle in happiness just because of his/her presence, you'd feel whole...as if you were a puzzle and he/she were your missing piece. You'd feel complete, happy, and for once, you'd feel like your life is finally worth living. It's like you have finally found the purpose of your existence in this world, it feels like you were sent to be with him/her, to be one against the world, to protect each other, to die for each other, to be each other's source of happiness.
I'm so in love with all that ideas above, so so in love and I'd die to have only a glimpse of that kind of love.

But does that kind of love really exist in real life? Do the butterflies, the tingles, the goosebumps, the chills, and the fireworks really exist? Would people really die to protect their loved ones?

I hope it does exist. Just the thought of having that kind of love already makes me so giddy.

Hope

Her heart is shattered
Into million pieces
Her tears are falling
Hitting the floor silently
Her dreams are gone
And her soul is too dark
She's lost in her own mind

But her right hand is still moving
Gracefully
Pouring whatever hope she still has
Into a piece of paper
And with trembling lips,
She writes
Trying to find a way,
To her old self.

HIGH SCHOOL FINALLY ENDS

I am right now throwing petals around because high school just finally ended. Yes, finally.

There's no denying that high school is hell. Waking up so early is hell. Dealing with strict teachers is hell. Homework is hell. German class is hell.  Math is hell. Friends are hell.
But there's also no denying that high is the best 3 years of our life. We spent 3 years learning things. We spent 3 years making friends and getting to know each other. We spent 3 years laughing and joking around together. We spent 3 years making fun of people we don't like. We spent 3 years crushing on our seniors and our own friends. We spent 3 years wishing we were somewhere else. We spent 3 years finding our own self and finding out what is real and what is not. We spent 3 years wearing school uniforms. We spent 3 years loving and hating someone secretly. We spent 3 years trying to find happiness. We spent 3 years dealing with heartbreaks and sadness. We spent 3 years making memories. And we spent 3 years together.

I thought I'd be happy to leave high school, but now, I don't think so. I do not want to leave high school. I do not want to leave all my friends behind. I do not want to come back here one day just to find out that everything and everyone is gone. I do not want to come back here only to find out that all my friends are already gone.

And I'm afraid that one day, I'm going to forget my friends' faces, that I'm going to forget their voices. I'm afraid that one day I'll go shopping with my husband and I accidentally meet my old friend at the mall but we don't recognize each other. How sad is that?
I've spent 3 years of my life with them only to have them erased from my memory someday.
If I could, I would want to keep every memory in high school forever. But forever is such a long time. Forever is not meant to last. Forever isn't even enough.

I do not want things to change. But change is the only constant thing in life and its inevitable.

The sun had stopped shining
The stars had stopped sparkling
The birds had stopped singing

And roses wilted;
Butterflies died;
Rainbow disappeared;

And the storms come raging in
And the waves come crushing wildly
And the rain comes heavily
And the trees are falling down.

And suddenly, everything doesn't make sense anymore.
And suddenly, everything falls apart.
And suddenly, the world is broken.
And suddenly, nothing is beautiful,
Not even your eyes.

Love.

Love. Something that everyone is dying to have. Something that everyone is desperate to find.
Love. Something that is always known as happiness and hearts.
Love. Something that makes everyone high.
Love. Something that makes everyone blind.
Love. Something that makes everything vanished.

Happy Birthday, Dearest Dinis.

You forced me to make a blog post about you, and today is your birthday so I thought why not? You deserve to be happy today so if writing this post would make you happier, then here it goes.

Happy 17th birthday, Dinis Dwi Shinta Ramadhani.
I hope you will get everything you want in life and more. I hope your dreams stay higher than the stars, your soul be more beautiful than the blooming flowers in the spring, your heart be wider than the oceans and your future be brighter than the sun.
I hope God will always bless you with nothing but happiness. I hope you'll find the light in the darkness, a boat when you're stuck in the middle of the ocean, a parachute when you're falling and a song when the world gets too ugly. But even better, I hope you could be that light, that boat, that parachute and that song to everyone else around you.

I pray to God that your road will lead you back to me, because I want to grow up together with you. I want to see you on the first day of your job and congratulate you, I want to see the man who manages to steal your heart, I want to be the one who cheers so loud at your wedding party, I want to be the one who takes silly pictures at your wedding party, I want to carry your babies, I want you to carry my babies. I want our children to have play-dates together, I want us to be standing next to each other when its our children's first day at school, I want you to read my own novel, I want to see you with grey hair and wrinkle on your skin, I want us to be rocking that rocking chair together and still be cool.
They say the only constant thing in life is change but I hope you'd be another constant thing in my life and I to you.

But, if fate forces us to never see each other again (God forbid!!!) I hope you'd remember me as the greatest part of your high school life. I hope you'd remember me as someone whom you would run to whenever life got hard. I hope you'd remember me as someone whom you would share your secrets with, as someone whose shoulders are used to be your crying spot, as someone who could deal with your selfishness, your anger, your mood-swing and all your flaws. I hope you'd remember me as someone you used to love...

Whenever you see a picture of us together, I hope you will remember all the memories we've shared and it'd bring your lips to curve a smile and your eyes to light up in happiness. I hope you'd tell our stories to your children and grandchildren because our stories are too epic and beautiful and funny to ever be forgotten.

This is the sixth time that we've spent your birthday together and I hope to spend another birthday with you. I want to be there when you turn 20 or 40 or even 50.

I love you, to the black hole and (hopefully) back.

Happy Birthday.

Water.

Hi!! I've been so busy with school now. Like really really busy. School starts at 7 am and I go home at 7 pm *sighs* I'm literally patting my own shoulder right now. And to make it worse, extra lessons will start this week. YAY just what I really need. Not really. Anyway, have I mentioned that I will be 18 this year? Probably not. So, here I say it. I'll be 18 this year. Eight freaking teen. 1 to the 8. 18. I just can't believe it. I remember spending my 15th bday with my family and later, I'll be spending my 18thh bday. Time really does fly. Like you just sleep and you wake up 5 years later. Someone told me that time is like water. And I didn't understand back then, but now I do. Time can flow as fast as the waterfall when you don't really pay attention to it, but if you pay your attention to the time, if you can't stop looking at the clock and waiting for the time to go fast, then the time will be as still as the water in the lake.