Excerpt from a book I'll never write #10

I think it's okay to randomly miss the people you don't really want to miss. We do that a lot, don't we? We randomly miss someone. We randomly love someone. We randomly leave someone. Time randomly heals everything and God randomly changes our fate.

If the Earth falls down and we are all able to live in Mars, will we ruin the Mars the way we ruin our Earth? Or have we actually learned enough to know better?

No.

When we're already living in Mars, we will search for a way to live in Jupiter, just in case Mars falls down, too.

Have you ever had a lot of questions in your head that you're too afraid to ask??!!!

Because I HAVE!!!!

Like, I had this question and then I kept repeating that question inside my brain and then I was like "okay, I'm going to ask now" and then 5 mins later I was like "naah, better keep it to myself" and it happened A LOT and then I started to make my own version of answers and it didn't do anything except making it worse!!!l

When insecurities attack

How do you get it of your insecurities, really? They've been my biggest enemy since God-knows-when and it never gets any better. I have one of those nights when I kept laying awake on my bed and then my brain just started questioning everything and then making images of something very very horrible. And sometimes the images are very vivid and real and it terrifies me to the point where I shudder and cry under my pillow.

People may think it's stupid to cry over something as simple as that--I know it's stupid-- but I just can't help it. I can't stop my brain. I just can't shut it off. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Tell me, how do you kill insecurities?

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #9

I had never mastered the art of reading people's eyes. I had never be able to stare at someone's eyes for more than 5 minutes. Until I looked closely at your eyes. I could spent hours staring at them. I thought your eyes were the windows to your soul. They were the colour of leaves in the beginning of Autumn. Light brown but with a hint of green.

And in those eyes, I could see a loving and carefree man. A man whose soul had been bruised and hurt. A man whose soul was older than his age. A man who had gone through a lot. A man who's worth loving. Or so I thought.

I wish I knew better. Oh God, did I wish I know better.

Suddenly your eyes didn't bring me the soothing and peaceful breeze that the Autumn brings. You left as soon as the Winter came. Your eyes gave me nothing but an icy cold stare that chilled me to the bone. Though I love the coldness of Winter, I could never bear to look at you for more than five minutes.

Well, I guess eyes were not the windows to anyone's souls. Eyes can lie, too.

Back home

The worst thing about being abroad is that you're going to miss every single thing that happens back home. Like your mom's bday, family dinner, your brother's first beatbox competition and so much more.

The best thing about being abroad is that you'll learn so much thing you know you won't learn back home. Like living alone, going to the doctor alone, doing everything alone and so much more.

Nevertheless, it's never easy to leave home but it sure makes me feel better when I know that I'm leaving home for another home.

It's like I'm in a running race and yet I don't have any idea about what I'll get once I reach the finish line.

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #8

I've read it somewhere that people are the prettiest when they talk about something they really really love. I never met someone who's so passionate over things and that it changed their whole demeanor when they talked about it. And then I met you. And I fell in love with the way you talked about your favorite games. I fell in love with they way your coal black eyes lit up when you talked about your childhood games. I fell in love with the way you groaned hopelessly when I didn't really get what you had just told me about your games. I fell in love with the hands gestures you made when you were explaining something to me. I fell in love with the way your voices rose a little bit when you got too excited about things.

And then I wonder, how did I look when I talked about my favorite books? Did you fall in love a little bit more when my eyes lit up in excitement the way I fell in love over and over again when those eyes were filled with passion?

my very first surgery!

HI!
It's nice to be back home after spending some nights at the hospital! Remember the post I posted here a few days ago about me being so scared? Yeah, I will basically write about that now.

So, there was this weird mole on my lips that just suddenly appeared out of nowhere and my mom decided to get it checked. Long story short, the doctor suspected that I have melanoma, which is a skin cancer, and when I knew there was a possibility of me having cancer, even though it was a very tiny tiny possibility, I went ballistic. I was scared beyond words. The word "cancer" was on my mind every damn time and I was so so terrified. All I thought about were cancer, cancer, chemo, death, loss hair, death and more death. I knew I was overreacting! It was only a tiny mole but still! Cancer was the deadliest disease on earth and to know that I had a possibility of having it, was just so terrifying.

Then, the doctor told me to get the mole removed by having a surgery. And I said yes. I managed to put on a brave face in front of the doctor but once I arrived at home, I cried like a baby. I cried for 3 days straight and I couldn't sleep safe and sound. When it was the night before the surgery, I was staying at the hospital with my mom and I finally told her that I was scared. She told me there was nothing to be scared about and that it didn't hurt. I wanted to believe her and everyone else who had told me that it wouldn't be that hurt but no, I was still scared. I have a small phobia on needles. I hate needles. I hate seeing needles and the thought that they would be using needles and knives to open my lips was scary.

Then, the nurse came to my room to bring me to the surgery room. My heart was beating so fast and I bet the nurse could hear it. Once I entered the surgery room, I almost puked. Needles were everywhere. Knives. Scissors. And everything. I was asked to wear the surgery dress, you know, the typical green dress and a cap that covered my head. And then I lied down on the bed and the doctor came. The doctor was actually pretty nice and friendly so I told him I was scared and he laughed at my face and said "it'd be done before you know it" and I was like "okay, still not helping". And then he injected my lips with a dose of anesthetic and it hurt but well, it didn't hurt like I thought it would be...... And then my lips went numb. Oh, I got my eyes covered by I still could peak a little but of course I closed my eyes.

And then the doctor and his assistants started to work on my lips. It didn't hurt because my lips were numb but I knew there were doing something. I could feel the doctor using knife to cut the mole and I knew when he was sewing my lips with needles but I couldn't feel the pain. When the surgery was going on, the doctor and the assistants were talking about another patient that needed a bone surgery and I was like "CAN YOU GUYS BE FOCUSED ON MY LIPS AND GET IT DONE SOON" I mean, hey my lips were wide open! And the doctor was singing the whole time he worked on my lips! He even asked me some question and I just mumbled some words to him because how was I supposed to answer him when there were needles on my lips?! And then I could feel blood running down from my lips to my lower cheek and to my neck! BLOOD ALL OVER MY NECK AND CHEEK! God. And being the curious self that I was, I decided to take a peak from my blindfold :) And I saw them using knife and needles on me and blood blood blood more blood everywhere. I closed my eyes instantly. And yes, it was done before I knew it. It took only around 10 mins and it didn't hurt at all. Sure, it kind of hurt when my lips weren't numb anymore but to sum it up, my first surgery wasn't that bad. I was just overreacting and overthinking everything.

Now that the mole was gone, my chance of having melanoma is gone, too. I am writing this with bandage on my lips. It was hard for me to drink, eat, and talk for me for a while and I can't even laugh right now. And there would be 2 ugly stitches left on my lips. But well, I couldn't do anything about it. I hope I can cover them with lipstick. lol.

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #7

She would look at me with a bottle on her hand and without even asking, I know she needs help opening the bottle. Or in a rare occasion, I would offer her a hand right after she buys her bottle of water but she always denies and says she can open it on her own. And she can. The thing about her is that she is capable of doing everything on her own but it feels nice to know that she wants me to feel needed. She wants me to think that she needs me, even for the smallest and simplest thing like opening her bottle of water or waiting in front of the girls' toilet until she's done inside. It means she wants me to stay, doesn't it?

P.s: the idea is not entirely mine. But since he kind of sent it to me, I assume that it's mine already. Hehe.

Stolen

I am sorry, sweetheart,
For stealing your heart.
I'll keep it safe in a small cage,
Put it on the space between my bones,
And throw the key into the depth of hell.

I won't promise not to break it,
But whenever your heart breaks,
My bones will crack in response.
Your pain will be mine, too.

I'm sorry, my dear,
For claiming your heart as mine,
Making a permanent tattoo on it,
And keeping it hostage.

But if one day you want it back,
I will crack open my bones and go into the depth of hell for you.
Breaking myself,
Only to give back something that is no longer mine.

I would be left with an empty space between my bones and a permanent burn on my skin.
And you'd be left with your unscarred heart.
And when it happens,
My pain will never be yours anymore.

----

I've been trying so hard to write a good poem but this piece of shit is the only thing I can come out with! It doesn't even sound great. Ugh. It's rather hard to make a poem when you're not heartbroken.