A sinner's flower

He is an orange flower that blooms during the hurricanes,
A flower made by God himself,
Petals by petals,
He put diamonds and golds and silvers,
And petals by petals,
He arranged him,
Perfecting him like He had no tomorrow.

But in the end, he came out a little bit too perfect,
Too beautiful for the humankind,
So He added thorns,
And He said,
"The one who deserves you,
Will look at you,
With nothing else but love and admiration,
Will accept all your thorns and flaws,
And love you still,
For those thorns are nothing but an addition
To you perfection"

Then, I ask God, am I deserving of His flower that blooms during hurricanes? Or have I sinned too much to actually have him in my arms?

Late night conversation

There are times in my life when I speak to God. Not in my prayers, but in that time where I just lie awake on my bed right before I go to sleep, because I believe I am my truest self at that time. I talk to Him in my mind. Sometimes I tell Him that if the world is a movie, He'd be the best director ever. I tell Him he made the best plot twists and turns and conflicts and climax and unpredictable endings. Sometimes I laughed at Him for all the twists He gave me. Sometimes I ask Him why He gave me this role and ask Him what's next on my script. Sometimes I cry at Him, begging and begging for a break from this craziness, asking Him for pity, telling Him I couldn't play this role anymore. Sometimes I get mad at him, blaming Him for everything that happened, yelling at Him for being so unfair to me and for putting me through this kind of role.

But in the end of my conversation, I always whisper, "Please, make it easy". And I hope, He hears me, and grants me my only wish. For He is God the Creator, the Director.

Or maybe I am a sinner and sinners are no friends of God.

Story of January; 30 days KKN

To be honest, I was so not looking forward to January because January meant I had to go to some random rural area and live there for 30 days with some random people I didn't even know. Yes, it was some kind of practicum activity given by my university so that the students could "learn" from the traditional local citizens. I was so reluctant to go, I mean, I was supposed to be on a nice holiday but then this program screwed everything and what if I got no signal there?! And of course, same ol' me managed to make 1001 possibilities of things not going well.

Anyway, whether I wanted it or not, this program was a must and so I was placed in this area called Jatipamor, Majalengka (a place I didn't know existed before) and I would be living with the other 23 students, in only 2 houses. Weeks before we went there, some of us had met and I thought that all these people were the kind of people I wouldn't associate myself with and I didn't even know why.

And then, we went there by bus (a very bad ugly small bus I might add) and it took HOURS to get there with a lot of bumpy roads (LIKE A LOT) and the air conditioners weren't even working and it was SO SMALL I couldn't even feel my feet anymore, I swear to god I almost went insane. We went there at around 8 am and arrived at our housings at around 6 pm-ish. 10 HOURS ON THAT FREAKING CRAMPED BUS!! I AM FOREVER CURSING WHOEVER CHOSE THAT KIND OF BUS!! 

However, the girls' house was okay. It got decent place to sleep and also decent bathrooms, the only thing missing was the television but I guess it was okay since I didn't really watch television, either. At first, I was always counting the days til' I get home. I made this countdown at my phone like, 29 days to go, 25 days to go and so on and it felt like time wasn't moving fast enough and I was dying to go home. During the first week, I would spend my days reading or watching alone and it seemed like everyone was also busy doing their own things. During this first week I had some problems adjusting; I was longing to be alone and being inside a house with 23 people wasn't something I liked. 

But in the end, I finally got tired of counting and wishing that time would fly faster than it already did. I started to mingle more and it was in the 2nd week that I stopped counting the days. Maybe it was because I started to get comfortable with my new friends or the fact that they weren't as bad as I thought they would be. I became comfortable with our nights' cards game, whether it was uno, werewolf, or poker. I became comfortable with our everyday's activities of visiting schools, paddy field, or whatever it was. I became too comfortable with our movies sessions and our gabutness. I became comfortable with al the songs we played during the days and nights. I became too used to the foods there, all those micin foods, jalakotek, tahu bulat, basreng, suket, our lunches, dinners, and foods in between them, even I miss teh pucuk that actually I still can get everywhere. 

Most of all, I became too comfortable with the people I thought I would forget easily once this program ended. And before I knew it, my 30 days were up and it was time to go home. Yes, I was excited to leave but I was also sad. Sad to leave all these people I had grown to know. Sad to know that maybe we won't be able to meet again. Sad to know that I won't be seeing these faces anymore. Sad to know that maybe this all will only be another memory to keep.

Oh boy, was I so wrong back then. I became too comfortable with the noises that my room feels too quiet now. I miss how Dhea would yell "MAKAN UDAH SIAP, CEPETAN", or how Alan would say "ada yang mau nitip teh pucuk, ga?" or "bu sangu bu, buat beli es", "BU ALKOHOL BU ADA YANG LUKA", or the way Risni, Karin, Cesa, and Coly talked about their boyfriends and then Yanda would chirp in even though she has no boyfriend (and is looking for one actually), or the way Adi told us stupid jokes like Yeezy or listening to him wanting to be a governor of Lampung, or the way Farhan danced and sang around crazily and also his tendency to sleep everywhere (literally everywhere, even on a pick-up when it was raining), or how we would rush whenever someone brought us pizzas or donuts. And I miss the way we teased and annoyed each other like brothers and sisters or the way we were so frustrated by warlok demanding too much from us or the way pak kuwu talked too much and I miss our unfunny jokes, and yes, they were unfunny because I once told our jokes to my friends and nobody laughed because they didn't understand what it meant. Those jokes make us laugh out loud because we know what it means, because these are our inside jokes that no one besides us can understand. Our inside jokes that make us, us.

I miss it; living under one roof for 30 days with 23 people. I miss every single one I thought I wouldn't miss. But would I do it all over again? No, I wouldn't. Doing things for the second time will not be as amazing as doing it for the first time. And besides, I love my bed too much to go back there and repeat everything :P

But still, thank you for giving me good experiences on the beginning of 2017!