A Story (part 2)

for whoever who's reading this, I suggest you to read the part one first or else, this post will not make any sense. And here's the link for the first part.

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And they were back together again. Only for a short period, though. Sweeter than ever. Everybody was jealous of them. But well, things changed. Distance was a bitch, really. Out of sight, out of mind. The sea between them was the problem. They tried hard, they really did. But the one got busier and suddenly it was only one of them who were trying and in love, one cannot try alone. In love, it required both party to work together. And I guess they got tired of the distance so they called it quit. And again, the happy couple was no longer a couple. Another break up. Another heartbreak created. Two more lonely people in this world.

I watched them fell in love and I watched them fell out of love. I was there when they were running in circle for so many times and I was there when they decided to give love another chance. I was there when they fought and made up. I was the one whom she told everything about him to. I was the one he asked for advice about birthday present for her. And when they broke up, I heard both story from the girl and the boy and funny how they both got a different side of story. Not that I blamed any of them because people will always try to defend their own self.

I couldn’t get them sometimes, or maybe most of the times. They broke up for so many times and every time they broke up, it ended up with them being sad and regretting the break up and yet they did it over and over again. But now, it seems like both of them have truly moved on. I didn’t keep up with any of them anymore but it looks like they are both doing just fine. I heard the girl is trying to give love another chance with another boy and I hope he is somehow better than her previous one.

Well, maybe they are not meant to be together. Maybe he was just a character that she met on the first few chapters of her story. Maybe their story is meant to be only a lesson for both of them. Yeah, maybe they should let each other go. And if they really did love each other, they'll meet again, somewhere in the future. After all, fate has a strange way of making plan.

But once again, first love dies. First love does not last. Maybe they’re both too drunk in the idea that first love lasts and maybe that’s why they gave it another chance again and again and again until they got tired. But honestly, they’re not the only ones. People are always in love with the idea of first love and how it will last forever. But only last love lasts, though. And if you’re lucky, the first can be the last. I hope they’re the lucky ones.

how are you, old man?

Hello, how's everything going up there?

Does heaven treat you good? Does it everything you expect to be? Are you looking down at me every once in a while? I bet you laughed so hard at me whenever I did something stupid or abnormal. Same old you.

I miss you, I always do. Even after 6 years I still miss you. I hope you're doing fine up there. I have so many things to say. You don't know how many times I wished I could run to you after my day ended and tell you about how my day was. You are still the only person I wanna run to whenever life gets hard and the only one I wanna run to whenever life gets pretty. It was easy with you, you know. You listened. And you gave amazing advice and you were so funny, you made a joke out of my problems and made it easy. God, I miss you. Do you know I am almost nineteen years old now? Your birthday presents were always the best, though. I mean what kind of grandfather gave a dozen of lacy underwear to a 12 years old girl as a birthday present? I remember how shocked I was when I opened that damn box and how hard you were trying to hold back your laughter. Oh how I miss your loud obnoxious laugh. I think it's a family treat, you know. The loud laugh. Mom has it and I have it, too. And maybe my children will have it, too. Why can't you give us something more beautiful like a cute shy laugh? But no, we all got your annoying loud laugh. But now, I would trade anything to hear that loud laugh of yours for one last time. Or maybe not, it would be so scary to suddenly hear that laugh out of nowhere.

Do you remember when you taught me to ride motorbike? You were probably the most patient guy I've ever met in my entire life. I was so clumsy I even forgot how many cats I almost sent to death. We would go every afternoon to the local stadium and you would let me ride the motorbike even though you knew damn well I was not that good at keeping the motorbike balanced.

Do you remember how we put so many stones into plastic bags and then we dropped it from the motorbike right in front of couples who were kissing and acting all lovey dovey in that dark corner near your home? I remember laughing too hard because we went too close to this couple and we accidentally dropped the plastic bag onto the man's foot that he literally yelped an ouch. It was always the highlight of my Saturday night. I was always waiting for another stones-dropping night like that, but well, it never happened again anyway.

Do you remember how you would ask me to hop on your motorbike when I was feeling down? You would ride with me for hours until I told you I was so tired of sitting down. Your motorbike was so uncomfortable, by the way. You would take me to literally no where and you just rode the motorbike through the roads I never knew existed. You were always so good at remembering roads and routes, you know. Lampung, Bandung, Jakarta, Depok, Medan, you knew it all like the back of your hand, even the less traveled roads. If God gave you more time to travel, I bet you would know about more roads in other different cities. Why can't you pass that ability to your granddaughter, huh? She has a problem with remembering roads and routes and she literally forgets way too easy, she almost got lost in a freaking mall. You would laugh so hard if you know about it.

Do you remember how you would ask for me when you were sick in the hospital? Do you remember how you would always ask me to give you a massage when you were sick? Do you remember our late night convos in the hospital when everyone else was already sleeping? You told me that I was your favorite grandchild and that I was the only grandchild you ever bathed and taken care of. You told me you didn't even bathe my uncle when he was a baby. I still don't know whether you were lying or not. But I was so glad and happy to hear that. You made me know how it felt to be someone's favorite and God, did it feel nice. You told me about your childhood and how you started to smoke when you were only a forth grader. You told me maybe it was the reason why you had cancer and that you didn't blame God for giving you cancer, it was your fault for smoking like a madman. But do you know somehow I still blame God for taking you away from me? I need someone to blame. People always need someone to blame and I got no one so I started to blame Him at my prayers. And I still do that sometimes. You told me about your dates with grandma and how grandma's family didn't approve of you at first but then they grew to love you so much. Everybody would love you had they got the chance to meet you, you know. You told me about mom's past lovers and how you would scare them away. You told me about your life in Bandung and how you promised to take me to all your favorite places in Bandung. And look at the reality now. You would never be able to take me to those favorite places of yours. You never told me about the names of the places, either. You said I had to wait and see. So I did. And maybe I still do now. Wait and see. Only I don't know what I am waiting for because you're not coming back forever and I still want to visit your favorite places in Bandung. Maybe it's the reason why I am here, in Bandung. I want to see the place you claimed to love so much after Medan. The place where you found your love and the place that shaped you into the amazing man I love so much. I am even studying in your former university. But one thing I am not going to do is being dropped out from uni because I want to get married. I can't get you sometimes, really. I mean how could you drop uni like that just because you wanted to get married?! What kind of irrational decision was that? You were so close to graduating but no, you decided it was too hard and so you dropped out. I still don't know what was going inside your head when you made that decision. For someone who was so bright, you could be so stupid sometimes.

But what I remember the most from our late night convo was our convo right before they moved you to Jakarta. You knew your cancer was getting more serious and you told me you hated being sick because you felt like you were taking everyone's time to take care of you and you said it was okay if you died. I remember how hard I cried that night. And it was like in the movie, you told me that I need to do everything that makes me happy and I should not care about people's judgments. You told me to go after everything I want in life and be what I really want, not what everyone else wants, not what my parents want. You told me to take care of my brother (I still had one brother back then) and my cousins and that I have to be a good example for them because I was the oldest and you said the oldest is always the example and someone to look up to. You told me no matter what happens and no matter how much grandchild you might have later when you are gone, I will always be your favorite. I told you you will always be my favorite, too and you laughed because I only had one grandpa.

After that, they brought you to Jakarta and I only stayed for 3 days and since then I never saw you anymore, well not alive. We talked on the phone regularly and I still told you about my day and some crazy stuffs I did at school and you still listened like you always did but I could tell it was hard for you to talk. Sometimes you got so breathless and sounded so tired and it was so heartbreaking. I never heard your annoying loud laugh anymore or your unique bataknese accent. You didn't shout when you talked. You didn't yell "BAH!" anymore and that's when I knew your cancer was getting more serious. You were getting weaker every time I talked to you.

But then somehow you managed to get better due to the chemos you took and the doctor said you could go back to Lampung for a while. You were so excited. You said you couldn't wait to see me and you told me how good you looked with your bald head and I was happy, too. I finally got to see you again after 3 months. God knows how much I miss you. Me and my family were supposed to pick you up from Jakarta on Monday morning. I remember how you suddenly insisted us to come sooner. I remember how grandma told my mom that one night you were acting crazy and yelled at her that you wanted to go home right at the moment, you even called the taxi to pick you up. You were not kidding when you said you couldn't wait to get home, were you? You got your wish. You got home on Sunday morning. One day earlier that the first plan. Only you didn't make it alive. You were dead when you got home. Maybe that was the reason why you yelled at grandma about how much you wanted to go home sooner. You never yelled at grandma. You knew your time on earth was almost over, didn't you? That's why you insisted to go home soon. If only we listened to you. If only. Do you know how much I cried after you died? Me neither. I lost counts. I was so close to seeing you again after 3 months but you were gone too soon and it has been 6 years and 6 months since the last time I saw you alive and breathing.

And it's Ramadan. Our favorite month and it's my 6th Ramadan without you and my first Ramadan I spend away from home and it still feels different without you. Like there's something missing. I am writing you this long-ass latter because I didn't get the chance to visit you in the beginning of Ramadan and I feel bad for not visiting so I write this instead. I know you cannot even read it but well, I miss you and I hope you miss me, too. I hope you are happy wherever you are right now and know that I will always love you no matter how old I get. Hope all is well up there and that you don't cause so many problems up there.

I'll see you when I see you.



p.s: I really hope I am still your favorite because I have a new brother now and he's so cute and it's so hard not to make him a favorite. He's everyone's favorite. And I understand if you like him more than you like me. But I hope I am still your favorite.

the universe is in love.

The universe is in love with you.
If only you could see the way the sun always compliments your eyes every day. Even the earth is jealous of the light the sun gives to you.

The universe is in love with you.
If only you could hear how the wind always whispers sweet nothings into your ears. Even the trees are jealous of the joyful peace wind gives to you.

The universe is in love with you.
If only you could feel the way the rain wishes to wash your pain and tears away. Even the grass is jealous at how the raindrops would race to get to you.  

And I am in love with you.
If only you could see the way I see you.
If only you could hear the way my heart beats whenever you're near.
If only you could feel the way my skin tingles whenever you touch me.
Even myself is jealous of you and the amount of love you recieve.

God knows you are worth every love that this universe has.

admiration is not love and vice versa.

There's a huge difference between admiration and love. In admiring someone, you always want to impress him/her so that you'd be noticed. But in loving someone, there's no need to impress. You know you can always be yourself without the fear of being rejected.


And sometimes, people will keep trying to impress someone they don't even love.

cliché, I know.

And if someday there's something forces us into a goodbye, I hope you will not forget about what we have now. I hope something will always remind you of me. The mall, my favorite city lamp, our favorite fast food chain, the car rides, my favorite songs and so much more. I hope they all will remind you of me whenever you see/hear about them in the future. I hope when you pass that favorite city lamp of mine, my face will come in your mind and you will remember me as one of your sweetest memory. I hope you will smile and recall the times we spent together and the stories we told each other. I hope you will remember every poem, song, flirty note and inside joke we ever shared. I hope the memory of me will always be alive deep inside your mind no matter who you end up with later in life.

But I really really hope that I'll be the one sitting next to you when you pass McD and you suddenly smile for no goddamn reason and then ask me, "do you remember when we first came here on a date?"

any question?

Some questions are better left unanswered. Not all questions in this world are supposed to be answered. Not all questions in this world have an answer. Maybe we don't have to question so much about everything. Maybe we don't have to ask about everything, maybe we don't need to know at all.

But we are all human, after all. Questioning and being curious are our best  trait. We wonder, we think and we assume. That's what human do best, especially the assuming part. Once we find no answer, we will assume, assume and assume. We never think that maybe, there is no answer to that question or maybe the answer is meant to be kept as a secret. We don't need to know about everything. The world is a big place and to discover every part of it, is impossible. Human's mind is very complex and to know everything that is inside it, is impossible, too.

a walk through my old tweets

So I had nothing to do and I decided to read all my tweets from 2013 and 2014. I AM SUCH A FREAK.

I once tweeted "copy: you. Paste: my bed". WHAT A JOKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHOM I WAS TALKING ABOUT?!!

But honestly, I feel kind of sad reading my old tweets. I miss high school and how easy it was. I spent my entire day reading books and then screaming at how bad the endings are. I miss getting excited over small things, like a release of a new book, a new chapter on Wattpad and a new song from my favorite singer. When I read all those tweets, I remember what it felt like to freak out when your favorite characters kiss, I remember that feel when your favorite man character says something sweet and I remember freaking out when your favorite character dies, when your favorite character turns bad or when the story does not end the way you wanted it to be. I remember the excitement of waiting for a new trailer, I remember how happy I was when my copy of City of Heavenly Fire arrived at home because I had been waiting for that book for literally 6 months and how I spent only a day to finish that 700+ long pages book. I miss the happy screams, the squeals, the gasps, the tears I let out just because of a damn book. Some people may say that crying so hard over fictional characters' deaths is over-reacting. But they don't know. They never loved those characters as much as I did. They never thought that maybe those fictional characters are better than real people. Those characters are more humane than people. I know those characters aren't real but I always like to think that they're real, even only in my head and somehow, those characters effect my life in a way I don't even understand.

God, I miss that life where I worry about nothing but whether my favorite characters will end up together or not.

Life was easy. I didn't even care about my life, I care more about my fictional characters' lives and their feelings. I even skipped school to finish a book.

(a little bit blurry but well, I tried)

*SIGHS*

my lecturer on the extra class yesterday

"You always hold that one goodness in your hand and everyone who loves you will know what goodness it is. And sometimes, the goodness you show to the people you love can be different, and it is the reason why it's hard to choose between saving your mom, dad, siblings or lover when you are in a sinking ship and you can only save one. You see those people differently and they treat you differently, too. The point is, everyone has that one goodness or love they only show to the choosen people and other people cannot judge it because they do not know."

its never a loss

She thought holding on so tight to what she loved was the only way to feel happy. She didn't mind if she got hurt while holding on too tight. She never cared about the pain as long as she still got everything she wanted to have. She thought if she let go of something she had held for such a very long time, it would only cause her greater pain. She was afraid if she let go, she would slowly lose a part of herself.

Until one day her hand ached so much for holding on too tight and without her knowing, she was slowly letting go, the way you let go a handful of sand, slowly but then all at once. Then she felt so much lighter. She felt better. She finally realized that some things are not meant to be held and she realized that letting go is not always bad. Some things are not supposed to last long. She knows now that losing something or someone doesn't always mean a loss.

tied together with a smile :)

Tied Together With A Smile by Taylor Swift probably describes what I really feel right now. It's not like I'm 24/7 sad but when I arrived at my room and I have nothing to do, (even though I have so many homework to do) and I just lay there on my bed staring at the ceiling, that's when I remember all my problems that I tried so very hard to forget at the day. They all come to me like a freaking bulldozer that wants to hit me and then push me off of a cliff. And they are all just suddenly on my head chanting "think about me think about me think about all your ploblems!!! Because newsflash bitch, your problems are not going to solve themselves alone!! MWAHAHAHAHA ENJOY US"

I am going crazy with all this thoughts. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!! 

Oh my God. I need to sort myself out. I need to stop feeling like this. I need to stop crying. I need to forget. I am stronger than this. Or maybe I am not. Or maybe I am weak. Maybe I need someone to be strong for me. Oh wait, maybe I need my family to be strong. Ha, jokes on me. 

I hate the silence in my room. It makes the devils inside my head scream and I need them to stop screaming but it looks like they are once again winning the battle inside my head. They probably cheated. I mean how can they always win? 

Whatever, these thoughts only come at nights, though. When the sun shines, I would probably be able to tie my lips into a smile again. 

"And no one knows that you cry but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one and you tied together with a smile but you're coming undone."

:)



Damn it.

I don't know which one is worse, missing someone who's still alive but you can't see or missing someone who's dead.

contain some strong word

I WANNA THROW MY PHONE AT THE WALL AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP. WHY WHY WHY WHY OH GOD.

If only I always got an answer for every why I ask, maybe life wouldn't be like this. I am mad and sad and frustrated and tired and and and I just want what everyone else has. Why can't I have it?

What a fucking mess.

Ready, Set, and Don't Go.

She's gotta do what she's gotta do
And I've gotta like it or not
She's got dreams too big for this town
And she needs to give 'em a shot
Whatever they are


Looks like she's all ready to leave
Nothing left to pack
There ain't no room for me in that car
Even if she asked me to tag along
God I gotta be strong

She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that
open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Don't go
-----

This is a song from Hannah Montana and the reason why I name it Ready, Set and Don't Go. I grew up watching Hannah Montana and this is one of my favorite songs from the show. I changed my blog's title into this right before I left for uni. I always thought living so far away from home would give me something amazing. No one had ever told me that I'd be missing my hometown so much. No one had ever told me that it would be this hard. No one had ever told me that it would be this lonely. Waking up and going to bed alone sucks. And the silence of my room just makes it harder. It's so quiet here and my mind is too noisy. 

But I gotta do what I gotta do and my dreams are too big for my town so I gotta pack up and leave. Even though I still don't know where I am heading, the prize is always mine to win.

what is my life

Remember my reading challenge I made earlier this year? I challenged myself to read 60 books this year and guess how many books have I read?

Guess it.
.
.
.
.
.
.
17! Seventeen out of sixty!! WOW, Salma you sure do a very great job at reading! I am in awe, guys. I read so fast it's amazinG. 17 books in 5 months? Perfect.

You know what else is perfect? My sarcasm.

Really, 17 books in 5 months? I can do way better than that. You know what's stopping me? My uni's ASSignment. Like I have to make so many papers and essays and those tasks required me reading a lot of politics books and other not-so-interesting books. And that keeps me away from my oh-so-INTERESTING books. Damn you, uni. You keep me away from my luvly books and BED!!!

Oh by the way, I am glad to tell you guys that I had been waking up at 10.30 am for 2 days in a row<3 (I know it's not important but you guys have no idea how happy I am)

Well, we were talking about my reading challenge before and yeah I don't really think I could complete my own challenge. I thought it would be possible to finish all those books but now, I don't think so. I'd be happy if I could finish like 50 books this year. But I am even pessimist in reaching 50 and OH LET ME TELL YOU THAT I ONLY HAVE 3 WEEKS HOLIDAY THIS SEMESTER AND IT'S BECAUSE I JOINED THIS COMMITTEE THAT REQUIRES ME TO STAY LONGER THAN OTHER STUDENTS!!! I AM SO MAD YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I LITERALLY FLUSHED MY 3 MONTHS HOLIDAY DOWN THE TOILET!!!!!

Punch me now.


And I am also kissing my reading challenge goodbye now :)

Ha ha ha I am such a joke. 60 books? Pfft. I haven't even visited that cute little library I talked about before.

God, I need You to stop my lecturers from giving us, Your weak little creatures, so much assignments because they keep me away from doing something I really enjoy. Make them stop being so cruel. You are the only one who can make them stop because NO ONE IS IN HIGHER POSITION THAN MY LECTURERS BUT THE GOD HIMSELF.

And to make it worse, I start to feel boring doing all the things I am doing now. Like you wake up, go to campus, do the tasks, make essays blablablablabla same old routine same old routine. I actually expect so much from life but now, this boring routine is what I get. There is no excitement, there is no "I can't wait to get up early to start the day tomorrow" feeling. It is plain boring. It's like I don't put my heart in doing the things I am doing now and I am starting to ask myself whether this is what I really want in life or not. Did I choose the wrong path or not? But well, if it's the wrong path I've chosen, I hope it still leads me to the right place. Or even another place that is more beautiful than my first dream place, which I still don't know where.

But I guess it's normal to feel like this. I know so many people out there who think that the life they're living right now is not what they really want but the world demands them to keep going so they keep going. They put aside the things they like and do something more rational so that they could make a living out of it. I always think that the older you get, the boring life gets. The world will be less interesting.



Wow this post is basically about me venting my problems and complaining at how my life is right now. Oh well. Bye.

bloggy blog (and again, I put another weird title wth is bloggy? no one will know)

So... I really did make a new blog....
But, this is still my favorite blog because this blog has been my trashcan since I was in high school and this blog knows me better than anyone else, if you see my drafts here, you'd all be surprised at how harsh my words can be (Okay, I might be exaggerating things a little bit but yeah it's the truth).

And I decide to still write in this blog frequently because this blog is too precious to ever be forgotten. Before this blog, I've made so many blogs before, I even lost count. My very first blog was where I wr0t3 lyk3 thiz (well, not really. I didn't exactly write with numbers but I did write lyke diz). And since that blog, I've made so many blogs and none of them lasted more that 3 months until I made this blog :')

This was supposed to be a blog for school project but then I turned it into my own virtual diary and for the first time in forever, I have a blog that lasts for more than 2 years and still counting. I do not want to send this blog into its death just like the way I did my other 103058024 blogs so yeah, I will never stop or delete this blog but maybe the things I write here will be less personal :)


(Can't believe I am getting emotional because of a damn blog)

lighting bolt (why am I so bad at giving titles, like lighting bolt, seriously?)

You waltzed into my life
So suddenly
And you shreaded every layer of my past life
So carefully  
         
You were so blunt and persistent
You never took me for granted  
But I was so blinded and stupid
And I took you for granted

You then crept into my heart
So unnoticedly
You fixed the remainings of it
So certainly

You tought me how to love
When all I know was to unlove
You wrote me love songs
When I started to doubt love songs

You released the butterflies in my belly,
Until now, they never stop twirling.
You lit a fire in my heart,
Until now, it never stops raging.

And unlike the calmness of the sea,
You struck me like a lighting bolt.
The beauty of the world is all I see
And the untolds are finally told.