You should go, Nina

Nina has a boyfriend. She loves him and he loves her. They go on a date regularly. Her boyfriend treats her good and she always thinks that he is just like a character from her favorite book. He knows exactly what to do and she couldn't ask for more. Or so she thought.

The more she knows him, the more flaws she finds in him. The more she spends time with him, the more she realizes that they are so different. Nina is confused. She loves him so much but sometimes it gets too much, even for her. Sometimes she thinks she couldn't handle him anymore but then she remembers why she loved him in the first place and it's enough to make her stay. And besides, she loves him, she really does.
                                                 
But one question, "does Nina love him enough to stay with him and his other flaws she has yet to discover?"

Finger crossed, Nina. Finger crossed.

Its totally okay to feel so much amount of happiness

"It's okay not to be okay"
"There is beauty in sadness"

I disagree.

It is not okay if you don't feel okay. You are only okay if you feel okay. Don't make it seem like everything is okay when nothing is okay. If you're not okay, then do something to make it okay again. Never dwell on the thought that feeling not okay is okay because it is clearly not. If you dwell, then you're not going to be okay at all because you keep thinking that not being okay is an okay thing.

And no, I don't really believe that there's beauty in sadness. Sure, sadness can produce something beautiful. Sad songs, sad lullabies, sad poems and sad stories are the most beautiful ones and it is easier to write when you are sad. But to be honest, being sad all the time is not pretty or beautiful. The outcames can be beautiful but what about the massive sadness that stays within yourself? Is it beautiful? No. I've seen so many people going into depression when the sadness is too much. Is going through depression beautiful? No. It's painful and it hurts. Being sad hurts so much and I cannot really find the beauty in sadness, except the sad writings that come along with people who are sad.

But, don't you think it's better to create something when you're happy? Happy is always better. Everyone wants to be happy. And in happiness, that is where you find beauty. The happy ending stories make the best kind of story (well, for me at least. I always want the characters in the books to have a happily ever after, I don't know, it just makes me happy when my fav characters are having a happy life). The happy songs are good and cheerful, especially the ones that can make you sing along and dance. The happy poems are good, too. Happy poems are beautiful. It's just good to read a poem that describes the happiness of the poet. It's amazing when a poet turns simple words into something that is so beautiful and you can literally feel the happiness radiating from the poet's poem. Maybe it is just me, but I often smile to my own self when I read a happy, I-am-so-in-love-and-nothing-else-matters kind of poem. It feels good to know that someone is capable to feel that amount of happiness.

When sadness only creates beauty when it can be let out, happiness creates beauty in every form. Happiness can create beautiful writings but without any writing, happiness is beautiful, too. It creates beauty within your self and honestly, there is nothing more beautiful than to be truly happy with everthing that you are now. There is nothing nothing more attractive than a real ear-to-ear smile. There is nothing more melodious than laughing so hard.



(But it's so hard to make happy poems. It's either I don't feel happy enough to write happy poems or I feel so so so happy that I couldn't decide which word is enough to describe my happiness).

I guess this pic is the reason behind this post. Happy poems are beautiful.

Chess

"You have to sacrifice something if you want to win. Let her get your bishop and you'll get the king."

-My brother on 'helping' me to win the chess game against my cousin.

Eid and Visiting Relatives (part 2)

I've been waiting since forever to write this post because eid is always fun and interesting!!! And now I finally am able to write it!!

So, here goes the story.....
Well, even though we moved out from our old home, we decided to do the eid prayer in our old neighborhood's mosque because my grandma is still living there. Another reason is because we know all the neighbors there so well. I lived there since I was a baby and every eid, there is this little tradition that still exists until now and it would be weird if we didn't do that again this year so spending the eid at our old neighborhood is really a great choice.

The tradition is still the same, visiting every house in our neighborhood and doing a little chit-chat here and there but what amazed me was that all my friends from childhood have all grown up. When we were children, we had this group that consisted of so many children and we always played. And in that group, there were boys, too and they all looked so dorky and disgusting but today I saw them all and I was like "wow who is that" and my other friend told me who he is. They are older than me by 3-4 years and when we were children they were the ones who made the rules in the group and to see them like that is a surprise. They look so different. Puberty has done them justice....... They look so good and mature and I was like woah (I AM SORRY I CANNOT HELP MYSELF). But well, I don't really know them anymore and it was so awkward today. He came to me and my friend and he was like hey you guys look so different and I was like ha yeah, you too. And that was it. It's kind of funny actually like we used to play hide and seek almost every afternoon, went to the public swimming pool every Sunday and it was never an awkward situation. But then I guess we all have grown up and have our own life outside the neighborhood and we just stopped meeting up and catching up with each other's life. And now, I am only close with 4 friends from my childhood and the group actually consisted of so many children so I kind of miss everyone from the group but even if we decide to catch up, it would be so awkward.

The next thing I did was.... EATING! My whole family from my mom's side is all here so it was a big eating session. Eid's foods are always delicious, especially if my grandma cooked it. The beef was beautifully cooked and seasoned perfectly and it definitely tastes delicious (I think I watch too many Masterchef's episodes that I started to speak like the judges). The next thing we did were doing the apologize thingy and took a lot of pics and after that we went to my grandpa's grave and it was so emotional... My grandma couldn't stop sobbing and it made me cry too. Eid was more loud and fun with him. My grandma cried a lot and I was actually the only grandchild who cried. My brother and cousins don't know him well and my grandma was hugging me and she kept saying how she wished he was here and it was so heartbreaking. I guess they both really did love each other so much. If there is someone who misses him so much, it's my grandma. No one can miss him as much as her and no one can love him as much as she still does.

And here comes the most interesting part of my eid! VISITING MY RELATIVES!! Visiting my relatives always results a funny story for me. I went to see my aunts and uncles and all they said was "WOW LOOK AT CHA YOU ARE SO GROWN UP! I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL IN JUNIOR HIGH" and it happened every year since I was in senior high. Everyone looked so surprised to see me I mean hey, do I look like 14 to you?! And I don't even know who the heck they are. I'm sorry but we only meet once or twice a year I am not capable to remember all those names. They asked me about uni and I patiently answered every question and all those questions were the same questions only asked differently. I am such a nice person.The most awkward part was when my mom and my aunt (I don't know which one) was talking and my aunt was like "hey my daughter goes to uni in Bandung too!" and she called her daughter and was like "you guys should hang out together sometimes" and she kind of forced us to exchange LINE's id and her daughter and I were like "oh-kaaay? yeah sure" and we kind of look at each other and we gave each other an awkward stare that said "well this is awkward and we are not going to hang out". It is a mutual understanding. And besides, I don't think I could go along with her since all she talked about is boys and she looked like the Indonesian version of a typical blonde girl (I AM SORRY!). But what I love about my aunts is that they are so funny and loud and they still make fun of each other like what teenagers do. They have no pride to keep, unlike me and my relatives who are around me age. It's like they are all best friends who haven't met for years and they always have funny stories to tell and listening to them talking non-stop can seriously make me laugh so hard. I don't think me and my relatives around my age could act like that when we are their age. We never really know each other. I don't even know their names. I think my eid when I am a parent will be spent with only my cousins. What a change. I always want a loud eid with so many people talking and telling stories.

Oh, it's also my uncle's bday today! so it's a double celebrations for us!

Well, Eid Mubarak everyone! I am wishing everyone a blessed and happy eid and I cannot wait for next year's eid!

it's funny, indeed.

Learning to love someone you never thought you'd give a shot at love is... fascinating. Falling for that someone is even more fascinating. You know he was there. He existed in your world. You talked and joked with him almost everyday and you never thought you would end up with him, not even in your wildest dream.

But one day you woke up and something changed. The convo on the phone won't stop even if it was past 12 am. The convo got deeper and there were so many secrets shared, so many confessions, the harmless convo about books turned into flirty jokes and there was not a day when you didn't chat with him. You thought it was all harmless. Only two teenagers sharing secrets and throwing some flirty notes. It got complicated when feelings started to blossom. The confessions got deeper. It was not about bad things or stupid things anymore. Feelings were confessed. Words of love were spoken. Poems, writings, songs were shared. And suddenly, they were not only two teenagers sharing secrets anymore.

And now it's like you know a part of him that he never shows. Before, it was like you only saw one part of a coin and now, you see both part of a coin. The more you spend time with him, the more you learn things about him that no one knows. And despite the confusion and the doubt, you learn to love him as a whole. You learn to love his scars, his beauty, his flaws and his perfections. And in the middle of learning to love, without you knowing, you are already falling, freestyle. Every word he writes for you makes you feel high. Every sweet thing he does paints a big smile on your face. Every poem he gives to you makes your heart beat faster. Everything he does just suddenly seems so breathtaking and the world becomes a very beautiful place to stay.

Isn't it funny? You never thought you'd become this attached to him. Hell, you never thought you'd fall for him, let alone be with him for more than 5 months. But here you are now. Writing about someone you wish you'd grow up with.

not knowing is good (sometimes)

If you ask someone something and they do not want to tell you, never, I repeat, NEVER EVER EVER force them to spill whatever they're keeping. There must be a reason why they do not want to tell you. Maybe it is way too personal for them, maybe they do not trust you, maybe they think if they share it to you, it will bring so many memories that they try to bury or maybe if they tell you, they know so damn well that the stories will hurt you.

And that's why we don't force people to share their stories. Those are their stories, their histories and their memories and they have every right to keep it only in their pocket. If they want to share it, they will. But whatever it is, there must be a reason why they decide to tell you or not. And sometimes, maybe the reason is for your own good.

After all, some questions are better left unanswered and sometimes, it feels better to be left wondering than to know the truth, even though I know wondering can create scarier and eviler thoughts. At least with wondering around, you know there is a possibility that your thoughts can be wrong and maybe the truth is actually less scary than your thoughts. But maybe the truth is way more hurtful that your thoughts. You never know and I guess that's the best part of not knowing, you don't have to know about the bad news and the worst part is, you don't get the chance to know about the good news either. You are left with your own thoughts without knowing whether the truth is good or bad. With not knowing, you are left with two possibilities, the good one and the bad one and with knowing, there's no turning back. And I think I kind of put a very stupid example of Schrodinger's cat experiment with the whole 'with not knowing you never know about the good truth or the bad' thing-y, well.... maybe? I mean my example sounds stupid whereas Schrodinger's theory is more complex with the whole putting a cat inside a bunker with gun powder that has 50% chance of blowing up and 50% of not blowing up. So the cat can either be dead or not and we can only know it if we open that bunker. While the bunker is still closed, the cat is both alive or dead. We never know, because we do not open it. But if we open it, it's either a bad news or a good news. If we open it, we will see the truth whether the cat is dead or alive and whatever happens to that cat, it happens because we open it, it happens because of our curiosity and if the cat is dead, it is because our curiosity got the best of us. Curiosity kills the cat, doesn't it?


p.s: Well, I don't know much about his experiment because I know it from John Green's book and it is actually related with physic and quantum and I don't understand a thing about physic, so if I put the wrong thing about Schrodinger's cat experiment then I am truly sorry and I do not mean it and I don't really think that there are physic enthusiasts who actually read my blog since this blog is full of craps but yeah, sorry. And you can google the whole Schrodinger's cat experiment if you want to know more or maybe you can watch some videos about it on youtube.

I hope we will find it

IKIGAI (生き甲斐) (pronounced: ee-ki-guy)

(n): is a Japanese concept meaning ''a reason for being''. A reason to get up in the morning, to enjoy the meaning of life, passion, purpose, something one lives for. According to the Japanese, all people have their own ikigai whether it is family, lover, friend, child, career, passion, hobby or anything else. 


Have I found it?
If not, please, let me find it. 

airports suck but I'm home!

There's always this thing about airport. It can be the saddest place and also the happiest place. It's a place where you leave and when you arrive. It's a place where you have to say goodbye and a place where you say hello. A place where you part away with your loved ones and a place where you meet again.

I wonder how many goodbye kisses the airports' walls have seen. How many hugs they have seen. How many ''see ya" and "goodbye" they have heard. How many happy tears and true smiles they have seen. Airports' walls are probably the proof that people are capable of feeling really really sad and really really happy. Airports are the place where you realize you have something worth coming back to when you're about to leave them. A place where you realize that leaving is hard, especially when you left something or someone who is so important and precious. A place where you realize you actually love the place you have to leave behind. But, it is also a place where you arrive and meet all the people you've missed so much. A place where you know you have so many people waiting for you to arrive, a place where you know that you are missed and loved, a place where you reunite, and God does it feel good to be back home.

note to self:

DON'T BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!!


I tend to do that a lot. And in the end, the disadvantages are all on me.


P.s: I hate being sick :(  

it's okay.

So, I decided to check my ask.fm earlier and there was this not-so-important question and my answer was "to hurt someone you used to love is to hurt yourself."
And I wanted to clarify myself. You shouldn't care about people whom you used to love. You don't even love them anymore. And there must be a reason why you don't love them anymore. Sure, you had a history with them but something happened and you stopped loving them. Maybe they hurt you, or you hurt them first or maybe you guys just drifted away but you should NOT care about them anymore. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish and think about yourself only. If you're happy doing the things you are doing now but you know it hurts the people from your past, then do it anyway. And besides, sometimes people worry too damn much. Maybe they do not even think about you anymore, so why should you?

Seriously, you should NOT care about the people you used to love. The word "used to" is there for a reason. If you think you're hurting them, then who cares? As long as you are happy then keep doing it. It's okay to leave pain in people's life. It will teach them a lesson about life and I think everyone wants to leave a little heartbreak in someone's heart. It makes them feel superior. It makes them feel good to know that they can impact someone's life so much. It sounds kind of cruel but if you keep thinking about them, when are you going to start thinking about yourself? You should not relate your happiness to your past or the people in it. Your happiness is from you and everything in the present. It's okay to be a little selfish, it's okay to hurt someone in the process of making a little happiness for you.