Meh

There's always something that ruins the perfect day. Always.

Usually that something is a stupid little thing that is not important at all but somehow that stupid little thing becomes something that is worth bickering about.

Started this day perfectly but I shouldn't had expected that the day would end perfectly, too. Meh, something must go wrong in Salma's world. Whatever. I'm tired. And my legs hurt so much, so does my back. UGH.

And also stomach cramps.


UUUGGGHHHHHH WHY

Hopefully me in 7 years

We are going to be somebody's mom and dad later. Can you imagine how awesome is that? There will come a time when you have to bath your own children, to buy cute little dresses for your own daughter, to play dress up with a real girl, to cheer during your son's first football game, to spend so many birthdays with your children, to go on roadtrips together.
There will come a time when you have to take your children to their first day at school. You will watch your children grow from elementary, middle school, high school and university. You will watch them being in love and happy, you will watch them getting their heart broken for the first time, you will watch them being sad and frustrated. You will watch them being a teenager.

You will notice the change of attitude, style and hobby and maybe one day we will all understand why our parents can be so overprotective sometimes. Maybe one day we will all understand why they get mad at stupid little things we do. Maybe one day we will understand why our parents don't give us money to hang out with our friends. Maybe one day we will understand why our parents tell us to never come home to late. Maybe one day we will finally understand why our parents are they way they are now.

Maybe they don't want their children to go through what they had been through during their teenage year.

I really hope I could make one hell of a mother, though.

Some things are not meant to be described

I wanted to write about the way your eyes seem to look through me whenever I am talking to you. I wanted to write about the way you talk and the way you laugh. I wanted to write about how nice it feels when you simply hold my hand. I wanted to write about you and how you make me feel things I have never experienced.

I got my pen on my hand and the paper was already in front of me, waiting. I kept silent. My brain was working like a maniac, trying to find the most perfect word to describe you.

Fifteen minutes.

Thirty minutes.

One hour.

The paper was still blank. My brain couldn't find the word. And I realized no one had invented the word perfect enough to describe you. There's no adjective good enough to describe about what I feel.

I put my pen down and left the table. Maybe the greatest things in life are not supposed to be described.

Dear cupid,

Cupid, cupid,
Hit me with your arrow
Make him my hero
And I will be the heroine who fights all his demons away

Cupid, cupid,
Hit me with your arrow
Put me and him in your meadow
And we can lay there forever under the sky

Cupid, cupid,
Hit me with your arrow
Make him promise to never let go
And I will promise to stay

Cupid, cupid,                        
Hit me with your arrow
Tell him to never stoop so low
And I will tell him that the world is not ugly

Cupid, cupid,
Your arrow hit me right in the heart
I am bleeding.
But don't pull out the arrow,
It's all worth the pain.

Its nothing, only me venting whatever it is in my brain

I think no one can figure out the way my brain works. It's so frustrating that NO ONE can actually understand what I really want and what I really want to hear. I mean, it's clearly not their mistakes, I know it damn well. But ugh! I cannot be mad at them since it's actually my fault for not telling them what I really really want but I am not good at asking for anything, I do not like to ask for a help, so I stay silent and nod along but deep down, DEEP DEEP DOWN WITHIN MY HEART, I disagree, I am hoping that someone can tell that I am lying but no IT NEVER HAPPENS BECAUSE THE WORLD DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

how this year has gone by so far

Can we take a moment to remember that there are only 4 months left in 2015?

Let that sink in.....

And the question is, what have I achieved so far?

The answer is, I DON'T KNOW. Gosh I am such a failure. I promised myself I would somehow try to be better this year but in my pretty little mind, I have this absolute theory that PROMISES ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN SO I BROKE THE PROMISES I MADE WITH MY OWN FREAKING SELF BECAUSE WHY THE HELL NOT? Sure, I did try to change myself in the beginning of the year. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't complain a lot and it did work for a couple of weeks but then uni started and I was bombed with all those assignments, papers and journals and I started to complain every single damn time. No, I am not joking, my habit of complaining increased 21321325 percent. Every time I got a new assignment, I complained. Every time there was a morning class, I complained. Every time there was a quiz or exam, I complained. I basically complained about every single thing and it's getting pretty annoying even for me. I can't imagine the feelings of the ones who usually listened to my complains, though. It must be so damn annoying and I really want to say thank you for putting up with my shits all these times, you guys don't know how grateful I am to have you guys listen to me all the freaking time. 

And by some miracle, I managed to finish the 2nd semester and again, by some miracle, I managed to get a great GPA and for once in my life, I am actually proud of my own scores and grades. It's like all the hard works were all paid off even though the hard works include some complaining and whining and even crying. 

And then holiday came. During the holiday, I did........ nothing. Well, if you consider staying up all night, waking up late, watching tv, reading and being lazy are something, then sure, I did a lot during holiday. My holiday was basically me staying up until 5 am doing god-knows-what on my phone (it involved some stalking, chatting, watching and reading) and waking up at 11 pm. A round of applause, please. 

But luckily, I still have friends here so I went out sometimes. I went to this new mall in town that has a new starbucks shop and it is actually the one and only starbucks shop in my city and the queue was so long!! And I went to this beach that is so so so beautiful and blue and so calming and soothing and I managed to climb one of the cliffs and to tell you the truth, it was scary. I almost slipped because the rocks were so wet and there was always a big wave so it was a struggle for me and my weak body :) Oh, another reason why I didn't go anywhere this holiday was because my mom needed a surgery and she had to stay at the hospital for a few days but everything's fine now with her.

And now, I am back in my new living building. I had to go back to uni earlier due to some agenda I have to attend and it was still so sad to leave my hometown but I think it'll be easier later, leaving and coming back. 

And today is a good day. I just got back from a date and I was tired but happy. We went to the sushi restaurant and I ate 4 plates of sushi. I WAS HUNGRY DO NOT JUDGE ME, OKAY. And we kinda just walked around the mall and he bought me this hat.... I don't know what it is called in english but it's the hat that people usually use to go to the beach? Well yeah, I hope you get the idea. And I had to wear that hat around the mall and it was so embarrassing but who cares? 

Well, that sums up my 8 months in 2015. This year doesn't really have any significant differences from the previous years but one think I realize is that I am happier now. The decision of studying abroad is indeed the right decision. Leaving is always hard, but the prizes I got here are great. This city is slowly becoming a new home to me and I accept that gladly. I have finally let go of all the things I cannot have and I am happy in the process of letting go. 

It's like I had been holding a rose for a very long time. And the more I tried to hold on, the uglier the rose got and finally, the rose lost its beauty, because my hand was not the place where the rose wanted to be. So I dropped the rose, because I didn't see any beauty in it anymore. I still remember the reasons why I picked that rose, but now, all the reasons were all gone. Disappeared. And my hand is no longer bleeding, and God, does it feel good to let go. 

And maybe that's why, if you love roses or any kind of flowers, you don't have to pick them up from the soil because they will eventually lose their beauty. Instead, you let them grow and they will become more beautiful than before. The same thing goes with human, I think. If you love someone, you don't have to think about possession. You have to let them be. You let them grow and in the end, they will be stronger and more beautiful than before. 

p.s: so sorry for any grammar mistake because I don't reread this post 

p.p.s: I've been spending so many times on tumblr because I have nothing to do and I miss tumblr and I forget how amazing and funny it actually is. So yeah, here's the link to my tumblr and yes, I only reblog. 

bye-bye!

"I haven't been all that you could've hoped for, but if you'd held on a little longer, you'd have had more reasons to be proud."

but nothing's impossible, is it?

You are born and you are taught that you need to love everything, everyone. They told you to love the world. But you can't and you won't be able to. Until you found that someone whom you can love so much and love you back in return. Being with that person can change your view of the world. The world is not ugly anymore. The world is not always about wars anymore. The world is not a bad place to live. The world just suddenly becomes beautiful and you know how to love the whole wide world.

You need to narrow down your love to a person before you can give your love freely to the world. Focus your love on a person who sweeps you off of your feet and buy you flowers. A person who always makes time for you. A person who makes you happy and sad. A person who accepts you for who you are. A person whose eyes and arms would always welcome you home.  And before you know it, you suddenly love your surrounding better, the flowers look prettier, the sun shines brighter and the sky seems bluer. You can learn to see the goods in everything once you love and are loved back. You know how good it feels to receive love so you want the whole world to know what it feels like to have love. The world is indeed beautiful.

That's the thing about love, I guess. It makes everything look more beautiful than before. Imagine if everyone has never gone heartbroken before. Imagine if everyone can find someone they love so dearly and would stop at nothing to make them happy. Imagine if everyone can find someone who can make them happy and so grateful with their life. Then, people wouldn't be asking for more. Maybe wars will not be raging and maybe people will not be so sad all the time because they're actually grateful with just being with that someone.


It's impossible, I know. Love can be cruel, too.

The Catcher in The Rye

Hi. I've been wanting to write a post dedicated to one of my all-time favorite novels, The Catcher in The Rye but I've got no time to write about it and honestly, I don't know what to write about that amazing book and I'm afraid that I will not be able to justify the awesomeness of The Catcher in The Rye.

The Catcher in The Rye is a book that has no beginning and no ending. It is just like that. Maybe it's like a diary of Holden Caulfield, the main character of this book. And his story was sad. He was lost and he was stuck between the adulthood and the childhood. The main problem of this story is that he didn't want to grow up. All adults he met, according to him, were too phony. Nobody really listened to him. If you reread the story, you'll notice that whenever he was about to talk to someone, he always began the dialog with "listen!" but no one really listened to him. Not the nun, the cab driver even the prostitute that he paid, didn't want to listen. He desperately wanted to stop the time. He wanted to freeze the time.

"The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move.... Nobody'd be different"

In that sentence, I can conclude that Holden wished that his life was like things in museum. Frozen still. Not moving. Holden feared changes, he hated changes so he wanted everything to stay the same, like everything that was at the museum.

Another thing I learn about Holden is that he wanted to protect innocence. All the adults he met were selfish and ignorant and he didn't want kids to grow up and lose their innocence, that's why he wanted to stop the time, to stop changes, so that no kid would actually grow up. He wanted to be the catcher in the rye.

"I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all."

That thought of Holden described how he wanted to protect the innocence of children. How he didn't want children to be like all the adults he met. How he wanted to keep the spirit of kids, their purity. He wanted to catch them before they fall to the adulthood zone. He wanted them to stay young forever and here, we can see how naive Holden actually was. His view of the world was too crazy. He was way too far from the reality and he was desperate because no one can really understand his struggle and his past. The only adult who understood him was dead. Another person who can understand him was his sister, who was still a kid. Phoebe was the only one who listened to Holden in the novel and she was a kid, another reason why Holden thought that adults were phony. Another reason why he wanted to protect children's spirit.

Another famous quotation from this book is where Holden asked the cab driver what happened to the ducks in the lake when the water freezes over the winter. It's a metaphor. From my point of view, he was asking what will happen to him if he accepts the changes in his life. He was the ducks and the lake was the changes. What will happen to the ducks when the water freeze? Will the ducks survive? What will happen to him when he grow up? Or maybe the question Holden wanted to ask was "will he survive?"

During the winter, the ducks flew to seek for a warmer weather and they will come back again in spring. For me, it represents that changes are temporary and cyclical. Changes happen all the time. When changes happen, things might get harder at first, but in the end, you'll get used to it. Just like the ducks, they can find their way to accept the changes during winter and face it with their own way and so can Holden, he just didn't know how.


Well, those things are what I underlined on my book and I had to reread the book 3 times to actually be able to grasp the full idea of the book. It is a beautiful book and I think most people my age can relate to Holden. We are all confused, lost and we wanted to be listened, to be heard. We fear changes, I think most people do and some of us do not know how to deal with changes. Some of us do not know how to deal with losing but we are all trying to find our own way to deal with life, to deal with adulthood.

I actually also did a research on Salinger, the writer of the book. He grew up in war zone, where innocence were lost, where innocence were corrupted and maybe that was why he wrote The Catcher in The Rye. He, himself wanted to protect the innocence of other people since he didn't really get to protect his own innocence due to the war. Maybe he didn't want other people to lose what he had lost during the war. The purity of a child, an optimism and a spirit.



P.s: Well, these are all purely based on my own understanding and if you have a different understanding than it's okay. It's a public book and we are all have rights to interpret it whatever way we want. It'd be delightful if whoever reading this blog (probably no one lol) can share their own thoughts because this book is really great and awesome. And if you haven't read the book, well... GO READ IT!

bye!

I hope the sun shines there//a closure//

You were so eager to leave the hometown, weren't you?
Oh God, you are even so eager to leave this country.
Living and working outside this country.
You and your wild dreams.

Now that you left,
How do you feel?
How's the town? How's the people in there?
Is it everything you ever wished for?

I hope you're doing good.
I hope it's all everything you wanted to see.
I hope you're happy,
And that you'll find someone whom you can love so dearly.

Wherever you are right now,
I hope you'll always come back to our hometown.
Take a look around.
Can you count how many things have changed since you left?

Pass our school building,
What do you remember?
Skipping math and history class?
Getting caught talking too loud during the flag ceremony?

What do you remember?
Talking bad things about unfair teachers?
Complaining about hard exams?
Playing cards and got caught?

Take a look at your yearbook,
What do you see?
A bunch of happy faces, a lot of goodbye quotes.
Does something enter your mind?

The graduations party,
The farewell party,
The tears of joy,
The "I'll see you soon".

And 7 years from now,
I hope you are right where you want to be.
I hope you get everything you want in life.
I hope you are surrounded by amazing people.

But most of all,
7 years from now,
I hope you're still coming back to where you first started,
I hope you won't forget your mom's smile when she saw you succeeded,
I hope you won't forget all the people who were there throughout your journey in life,
I hope you will never forget where you came from and what you were before what you are now.


And as for me,
I still don't know where I'm heading,
What I want in life,
Or what I want to be.

And if you ever wonder,
I am perfectly content with my life here.
And if you ever wonder,
I no longer wonder about you anymore.

But just so you know,
I never regret knowing you or spending my time with you,
And in fact, you're one of so many people that I do not want to lose contact with.
One of so many people that I still want to see when I am 40.

And lastly, thank you.
For everything.
I really wish you the best in life and see ya.

Whole again

I'll repaint your blue with red,

So that you don't have to walk around feeling blue and sad,

So that you would know that my love burns brighter than the fire.

I'll recolour your grey sky with sunrise,

So that your day won't be gloomy,

So that the sun can dry your tears. 

I'll replace your sad songs with happy songs,

So that no song can remind you of a bad past,

So that every song can cheer you up whenever you're down.

I'll rewrite your sad poems with spellbinding poems,

So that you don't have to see your scars anymore,

So that you feel happy and content.

I'll refill the vacancy in your heart with my love,

So that you're not lonely anymore,

So that you know you're loved and cherished,

So that you'd feel whole again.

What if?

"What if one day you wake up and you don't love me as much as you do now?"
"What if everyday I wake up loving you more than yesterday? Like I do now"

You put "what" and "if" together and it will either create the scariest thoughts or the most beautiful thoughts.



P.s: I can't even stay away from this blog for a month. Well, who cares. Hello!