curiousity kills Salma

I THOUGHT I DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE I THOUGHT I HAD LET GO OF EVERYTHING I THOUGHT EVERYTHING BACK THEN WILL STAY IN THE PAST BECAUSE IT'S WHERE THEY BELONG BUT NO ACKWLSASFKGLFLELCMCL

I was so bored and I had nothing to do (even tho I have a final exam tomorrow and I should be studying, but no, I decided that I had nothing to do) so I was only playing around with my phone and then I started to stalk someone or maybe 2 people. But well it doesn't matter. What matter is what I found when I stalked those 2 people. It's just so funny and frustrating when you thought that you didn't give a damn anymore and then you saw a flash from the past and suddenly you remembered everything he did to her, to you and you just like ouch. It was what happened to me when I stalked them. That's the thing about stalking, I guess. The more you dig, the sadder you get. But I wasn't sad, I swear to God I was not. It just... idk? I was mad at them but I have no right to be mad so it's so frustrating. And I was hurt too, not that kind of "you hurt my heart and now I am left with a broken heart" hurt but it was more like "what the fuck I hate you" kind of hurt. Do I make any sense? Well I don't know but it's hard to explain UUUGHHHH

And now I hate myself for stalking them in the first place and found everything I didn't want to know.

THE PHRASE CURIOUSITY KILLS THE CAT COULDN'T BE MORE RIGHT THAN IT ALREADY IS.

UUUGGGHHH I WANT TO BANG MY HEAD ON THE WALL OR BREAK A TABLE MY GOD SLELFLSLSLLQRUVKSMALWOFICKKSKWIWK

what do you call a post that explains about your life's goal that you know would never happen?

It amazes me how a person can stay forever with another person for the rest of their life.
What amazes me more is that there is a possibility that I will spend the rest of my life with someone. Like I will be a wife and I will have children and a home and everything else. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?
Like you just wake up and turn your head and then boom, the very first thing you see is the face of someone you love. And, the last thing you see before you go to sleep is also the face of someone you love. It's amazing. Or at least my imagination of it seems amazing.

But the question is, doesn't it get so tiring sometimes?
If I get to spend the rest of my life with someone whom I love and claim to love me back, will he not get tired of me? Will he be able to handle my selfishness, my mood swings and all of my other flaws? Like we will be living under one roof. ONE FREAKING ROOM AND ONE BED LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR ONCE AGAIN WE WILL BE SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFE HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH ME EVERYDAY I CANNOT EVEN DEAL WITH MYSELF SOMETIMES AND I GET SO TIRED OF MY OWN SELF TOO.

Okay. You get my point.

Like, you two will have dinner together for almost every night. You will do almost everything together. Watch tv. Cuddle. Breakfast. Sleep and so on so on. The worst thing is that I'm sure I will complicate simple thing and make a lot of dramas out of it then it will lead to nothing but a fight and I will end up running away from the problems just like I always do now. But the difference is I cannot run away anymore. Why? BECAUSE I LITERALLY LIVE WITH THE ONE I AM FIGHTING WITH AND IF I RUN AWAY WHERE WILL I SLEEP? HOMELESS? NAH NAH NAH. ((Or maybe I can kick my husband out of OUR home because that's how selfish I am. I pity a man who's going to be my hubby. I mean, hey it's me. No one wants to spend the rest of his life with me because I'm just so ew and he is probably so aw and he just volunteers to be my husband and it's like volunteering himself to join The Hunger Games. I will be forever thanking the God and him)).

The problem is, I don't think I can be mature enough to solve a problem like an adult I should be. I hate problems. And if I have one, I will either stress my self out until I forget about it or act as if nothing happens. Both are the way teenager solves a problem. I cannot sit and discuss the problem so carefully, I will end up in tears and I will look so ugly and just so ugh. And that's why sometimes I think no one could handle to stay with me for such a very long time. I am a mess. I am immature. I am selfish. I am childish. I am moody and how can one person handle such flaws? And will it be worth the pain, to stay with someone even if you're not even in love with him anymore? I've seen people getting married. I've seen people in love. But I've also seen married couples fight and get divorced. Why a divorce? Because they're not as much in love as when they were young. Once again, call me a pessimist, but love will not last. It was good at first but it will die, just like everything else in this world.

And I think the only reason why marriage lasts is because one is so selfless and mature that he/she always lets their partner win, not because of love, but because of something else. Their children, perhaps. Or their status in society.

But still, there is a part in me that whispers so quietly that maybe, love and only love can make people stay forever. I mean, it's amazing to come home from a long and tiring day at work and then curl up in the arms of someone you truly and deeply in love with. It's amazing to cook foods for your husband and lounge together on the sofa and watch tv and do other stuffs happy couples do. And what makes it more amazing is that you do that because you want to, you do that because you feel so comfortable and safe at those arms, you cook because you want to please him and make him happy, not because you think it's a routine you have to do everyday.

And even if that kind of love exists, I don't think I'll get to experience it. Or maybe I will. Oh God, do I wish to have that kind of love in my life.

There is no such thing like true love or happily ever after or whatever. Those are only a concept made by hollywood. People will fall in love and they will fall out of love. Love will not last forever. Time flies and feelings change. Butterflies will die. The sparks will fanish. The excitement will soon disappear. Everything you feel when you first fall in love will all become a sweet memory.

Call me a pessimist or anything but I never believe in happily ever after. That kind of thing only exist in books and movies. Never in real life.

You cannot break what is already broken and you cannot fix what is not broken.

"What do you have inside of you?"
"Nothing. Only emptiness and pieces of my broken heart. No one would want me."
"I do."
"You may cut your fingers while trying to pick up all those tiny little pieces of mine."
"I wouldn't mind. I have spent my life bleeding my self out because of love. I wouldn't mind holding a rose and having the thorns hurt my hand. For, everything that is worthy and beautiful is painful."
"What is painful about you?"
"I'm not worthy and that's painful enough for me."

It's been a while since the last time I posted my poem here, but oh well....

----

Lets go slow and lets go fast
Lets be dark and lets be the light  
For we have each day and night.
I will stay,
Until the moon becomes lonely
And until the sun melts away.

Lets fight and lets make up
Lets be sad and I'll cheer you up  
For we are here for every down and up.
I will stay,
Until birds can't fly
And until the world turns to grey.

Lets be playful and lets be sweet
Or you can be anything that you want  
But my dear, know that I will love every part you show me
And my dear, I will love every shadow you hide from me

hail and farewell

Have you ever felt your heart aches in the mention of someone's name? The mention of your old bestfriend's name?
I have.

It aches not because I'm sad or anything. It just... I don't know. It stings to remember all those time we had during middle school. I still remember how close we were before. I remember all those sleepovers, lunches, whisperings, movies, laughters and tears that we shared.

Never in million years have I thought that we would end like this. We're practically strangers now. It's funny how we went from talking everyday to only saying 'happy bday' twice a year. It's funny how I used to know everything about you and now I don't even know your current boyfriend, and I bet you don't know that I have one too. It's funny how we promised each other to always be bestfriends and look at us now. It stings. It really does.

I don't know what happened. What the hell happened? We just suddenly drifted away and you changed. You became the girl you promise you wouldn't and I guess we're just too different now. You have your new friends and I still have our old friends. The ones you left behind. And no, we didn't really talk about you anymore.

And maybe you're the reason why I don't trust people so easily anymore. You were the one who told me that people come and go and you proved me right. But I never hate you for leaving because I realize maybe what you are right now is what you want to be.

No matter what happens next, I wish you love and I wish you luck. I hope your life will turn out the way you want it to be and I hope you'd find someone who loves you so dearly because I know that you always hurt the ones who love you and love the ones who hurt you.

dear present me,

Hello, I am you from the past, and technically, you're my future. How are you? How's life so far?

I know your life right now isn't exactly what your past wished to have. Honestly, I expect better. You have so many expectations about living abroad, don't you? You've dreamed of so many good posibilities and experiences, haven't you? Where are they now? The hopes, the dreams? Where are they?

"If your 5 years-old self meet you now, would they be proud of you? Of what you've become?"

Does that question still haunt you the way it did 2 years ago? What's your answer to that question now? Last time I checked, the answer was still no. Have the answer changed?

I know the answer is still no. You still think you've achieved nothing in life. You think if your 5 years old self met you, she would be disappointed of what you have become. You think you are good at nothing and there's nothing to be proud of. I know you still hate looking at the mirror and see the girl staring back at you.

I know you still don't know what you want in life. You still don't know where you're heading to. You don't know what your goal is. You don't know the point of your existance in this world. You still know nothing.

Do you remember what you told me back then? You thanked me because if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be the way you are right now. And back then, you told yourself to be happy. You thought after everything you've been through, you deserved to be happy. But are you, now? You're technically my future, so as your past, I am asking you, are you happy with who you are right now? Did your past not suffer enough pain?

Dear present me, whatever and wherever you are right now, you need to appreciate things more. Your life right now is what some people dream to have. So many people out there want to live the life you're living and know that some people have it worse than you. I know you feel like life is being so unfair, but that's life. Life is so unfair to everyone and that's what makes life fair. It's unfair to everyone.

Dear present me, do you remember your dream back then? You wrote in your diary that one day you want to look back into the past and say "Hi, look at me now. You've made it." Now, have you made it?

Dear present me, you damn well know that people come and go, I know you think your happiness only comes from you, but you need to know that sometimes, you have to let other people make you happy. Look at the moon, without the stars, the moon wouldn't be shining that bright. And the same goes to you. It's okay to let someone in. It's okay.

Dear present me, no matter where you end up in life, know that you'll have someone who's always be proud of who you are, so stop comparing yourself to others and stop thinking that everyone is better than you.

Dear present me, I'm begging you, please forget me. I'm your past and I know what I did back then made you who you are right now, but forget me. I am only your past. You may remember me once in a blue moon, but I exist not to be grieved. I exist to make you realize that no matter how hard life may be, you'd always be able to pass it. Just like the way you passed me before. Put me into a box and put it under your bed and let me stay there for a while and I hope one day, you'd open that box and feel no pain at all. You'd open that box and finally say, "Hi, I finally made it."