Goodbye and Thank You.

So, another ending of a year, eh?

2015 has indeed been a roller coaster year. There were days when I felt like I was the happiest girl alive, there were days when I felt like the whole world was against me and there were days when I felt nothing at all.

There were nights when I felt like I was doing nothing at all and that I was going nowhere. Nights when I felt like my life is useless and that I wasn't good enough. Nights when my thoughts haunted me down to my dreams.

But there were also nights when I fell asleep smiling like a fool. Nights when I didn't want to sleep because the reality was much better than my dreams. Nights when I fell asleep thinking about happy things and all the endless possibilities. Nights when I felt like nothing could bring me down. Nights when I felt like everything was right and that I was here for something greater than my pain and heartaches.

Nonetheless, 2015 was such a great year. My blessings were bigger than my worries and problems. I shouldn't be complaining because now that I think about it, I got so much more than I deserve. I learned a lot and it would take hours to mention all the things I have learned in this year.

Thank you 2015, for all the experiences I got, the lessons I learned, and the new people I met. Thank you for bringing me closer to my future and most of all, thank you for being better than 2014. May 2016 be better than 2015.

Cheers to a new year!

Bury me

That Wednesday night, December 31st 2014, she was up all night digging a six feet depth hole. Then, she put everything from her past inside a box and put that box in the hole.

She looked down the hole. Hesitation swept over her. Should I bury him or should I keep him. Should I force stop whatever feelings I have or should I let it grow. If I force it to stop, will I be okay? If I let it grow, will it consume me?

She looked down the hole. Took a deep a breath and raised her hoe. Bury. Bury. Bury. Bury the box with everything in it. Burying it alive so it would soon be dead. Be dead, be dead, be dead. So it would never resurface.

---

"Hi," he greeted.
Please, don't resurface.
"How are you? It's been so long," a smile was planted on his face.
I can feel everyhing crawling back. Please stay six feet under the ground. I thought everything was dead.
"I miss you."
No, the dead will always haunt me. Not to mention that I was the one who murdered it.

"If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me."

That is probably one of the saddest quotes I have ever read. Yeah, let me be the more loving one. For, true love isn't about getting something in return. It's about giving and still giving even though you get nothing.

Untitled

It's late, dear, go sleep.
To your bedroom, where dreams hide deep.
Take the stairs, go upstairs.
I'll sing you a song till dream claims you in.

Hello, pink veiled blankets.
Will you keep her safe?
From all the ghost, lurking in the distance.
From all her past, eating her resistance.

Night lamp, the dimly source of light.
Will you help her fight?
The nightmares that try to get in,
The phobias that try to creep in.

Hey there, sateen laced pillow.
Could you bring her tomorrow?
Bring her the bright blue sky,
Get her to jump and fly.

And you, hey little teddy bear,
Can I leave her in your care?
Hug her tight, don't let go.
Give her might, don't get low.

It's late, dear, say good night.
Your bedroom told me, it's now alright.
So sleep, my angel, my sun at night.
You are my light, so keep being bright.

------------

It was exactly a year ago when I recieved this poem. Can't believe it has been a whole year since that. Never had I thought this poem would mean a lot to me, but it did. It is by far, my favorite. Whenever I read the poem, so many things and memories come rushing to my mind and it never fails to paint a smile on my face.

We've managed to make it through one loop and we still have so many loops to go, don't we?

P.s: I changed some of the words due to some grammar mistakes because I just hate grammar mistakes that much :p

Numbers

"... And it wasn't my choice to love you but it was mine to leave. I don't think the moon ever meant to be a satellite, kept in loving orbit, locked in hopeless inertia, destined to repeat the same pattern over and over--to meet in eclipse with the sun--only when the numbers allowed."

-Lang Leav, Memories

Holiday is coming!

Hi!
Final exams are almost over and I am so happy because I have been a complete mess in this past few days due to the amount of assignments I have and also the final exams but now holiday is so close and I can't wait to come home and meet everyone I miss so much!

But I think I don't really do good in this semester even though I've worked my ass off every night. I have a very strong feeling that my GPA will go down the hill. Sigh. Why is it so hard to maintain a good score?! I was happy with my scores last semester and now I have to kiss my good scores goodbye. Whatever. I don't care.

Anyway, I have been messing with WordPress a few days ago and I was thinking that WordPress is somehow cooler than Blogger (sorry, Bloggy!) and I decided to make one. I don't even know the reason why I made a WordPress. It just seems cool. Hehe. Anyway you can find me on wordpress or you can still find me on blogger or my other social medias cause I am pretty much everywhere. Or maybe not.

Cheers to the holiday!

Well, at least there's someone who understands...




And It's rather funny that the one who can understand you is the one you haven't talked to in months....

Do you wanna build a snowman?

The sound of her alarm woke her up from her 3 hours sleep and not even a minute later, everything from last night came like a tsunami into her mind. All the screamings, cursings, tears, slamming doors and leaving. A sigh escaped her lips as she got up and tried to start the day. She wanted so badly to go back to sleep and forget about everything, if she could, she wanted to sleep until Christmas. But too bad, life does not work like that. She knew she couldn't run from the reality because sooner or later, it would catch up with her.

It was 9 am when she felt the air was a little bit too cold for her liking and when she opened her window, the snow was already falling. A small smile made its way to her lips. She always loved snow and winter. When she was a kid, she used to stick her tongue out and wait until the snowflake entered her mouth and melted into water. She would build a snowman with her brother, and her mom would get mad at them because they stole her carrots to make the snowman's nose. And as she grew older, she found snow so fascinating and magical. She always thought that it was not easy to see the beauty of snowflakes and one must stand in the cold to observe it. It reflected life. One cannot see the beauty of life without any pain or struggle.

The snow was falling slow and beautiful, just like the way she liked it. She wished she could go out and walk in the snow. She liked walking during the snowy day and leaving footprints on the snow. The footprints were a reminder for her that no matter how lonely and lost she felt, she could always look back and see the marks of herself that could always lead her home.

But today, she was not planning to go anywhere, it was time for her to spend a day home with herself, a cup of hot chocolate, her favorite book and the falling snow.

It was around noon when someone was knocking on her front door. She froze. She knew it was him and she knew he'd come but still, she was unprepared. She almost try to pretend like there was no one at home but the plan left her mind when he said "I know you're in there". Well, there was no point in hiding anymore.

The walk to the front door was a torture. She was making up words to say to him and they all disappeared the moment she opened the door. The image of him screaming and cursing at her was still fresh in her mind. His eyes, his heavy breathing, his rage, they were still there, still haunting her.

"I'm sorry, I never meant to act like... that," he whispered. His voice was too soft and he looked like he didn't get any sleep last night. Well, at least she was not the only one hurting.

"I know."

"Forgive me?"

"We always forgive each other, don't we? I mean, isn't that what lovers do, forgive each other despite of everything?"

"I have hurt you too many times already and I feel like someday you're going to leave because of me,"

"But I have hurt you, too. People tend to hurt someone they really love, you know? And that's why we keep hurting each other, isn't it? We love so much and in return, we get hurt so much. But in the end, it's all worth the pain, right?"

She continued, "you are like snowflakes"

"Huh?"

"Don't you get it? Snowflakes for me are God's most beautiful creature but in order to see the beauty of them, I have to wait for so many months and once they come, I don't get to feel the beauty of them unless I stand outside. Cold and freezing. But it's all worth it. The cold is nothing compared to the joy and happiness I feel when I am standing there in the middle of a cold snowy day, feeling the softness of the snowflakes when they fall on my skin. It's a bliss," she paused, "you are my snowflakes I have always been waiting for"

Silence.

"Do you wanna build a snowman?" He didn't know what else to say. His heart was filled with all the love he had for her. She was true, everything will be worth it in the end. She was worth everything he had and more. He loved her.

"Did you just quote Anna from Frozen?" A giggle escaped her mouth, she couldn't stay mad at him for so long. "Do you have some carrots on you? We have to use carrot as the snowman's nose."

"Do I look like someone who carries carrot on my pocket everyday to you?"

"Yes, you do." She grinned. It was funny that the one who made you sad was also the one who could cheer you up again, she thought.

:(

What is wrong with me? I've been a complete mess in these past few days. I've never been like this before, all I want to do is to curl up on my bed and cry myself to sleep :(

Uni has finally struck again. I thought I had everything figured out, I thought everything was going pretty nicely but no. The pressures got the best of me. I am once again a mess because of the pressures of uni. I know I may kind of sound a little bit overreacting but I always put my education and assignments above anything else and when I think everything is not going the way I planned it, I get stressed. And I don't even have time to enjoy myself by simply reading my favorite books. I don't even have time to my personal service anymore, hell, I don't even have time to take care of my health anymore. And I know it's wrong to some people, but maybe they don't understand why I am doing this. My mind is filled with the list of things I have to do, with all the works that need to be done before tomorrow and that only leaves a small room for anything else. I know what my first priority is and I know I won't get there if I slack off. I know people will say "take a break" "don't push yourself" but I wouldn't be right where I am now if I never pushed myself, would I? I always push myself and I think I count that as a gift. If I want to go far at life, I have to have the will to push, don't I? I have goals and to be honest, I take failing seriously and that is why I keep pushing myself to the point where I have no energy left to push. And in this time like this, another part of me leashes out and begs me to feel everything I have ignored so well before. The stress, the pressures, the tiredness are finally bubbling up and forcing their way out of me and now they're all eating me alive. My body is asking for a break, heck, everything inside of me is asking for a break, for a 8 hours of sleep. In this time like this I feel like I am at my lowest point of life and I have every right to complain, cry and leave. I have every right to leave everything and just enjoy myself alone.


...well maybe I will after I finish this assignment first.

Maybe I should make a list about the do's and the don'ts or the should's and the shouldn'ts so I won't mess up anymore.



spilling your guts out is definitely a don't.

Currently in the state of wanting to stop caring about my grades and GPA but then I know I have to do well in uni because life is hard

"We'll be 87 and I'll still look at you like the stars that shines in the sky"

Is it?

The thing about hearbreak is, no matter how hurt you are or how many times you've been heartbroken before, you'll always keep on wanting more. Because somehow you realize that all the happiness you feel is worth the pain.

But, is temporary happiness worth a long term pain?

Are we alone?

There are milky way, andromeda, cigar galaxy, tadpole galaxy, sombrero galaxy and many more. And each galaxy contains more than billion stars and each also has their own solar system and in that solar system, there are planets. And those galaxies are only in our local group of galaxies or nearest galaxies from our galaxy. As far as I know, there are more than 50 galaxies in our local galaxy and there are more to be discovered. And beyond that, there are more than 150 millions galaxies in this universe with their own stars and planets. 

And then there is earth. The only planet with living things. Or at least that's what people said.

But doesn't the thought of being alone in this big incredible universe scare you? This is a big universe and there are so many endless possibilities, even humans cannot answer so many questions about our universe. There is no technology advanced enough to go beyond our galaxy. The universe is simply endless and the thought of being the only living thing with brain in this universe is somehow scary and... saddening and it makes me feel so small. Are we really alone in this universe?

But the thought of not being the only humans in this universe is scary, too. There is always a possibility that there are people (or something) out there living in their own planet and thinking that they're alone too or maybe there are people (or something) out there living in other galaxy and they now about earth and us and their technology are so developed that they are capable to watch us and set their foot on earth. Maybe they know about us and how we wonder about their existance but they just keep their existance hidden.

It's like we don't want to be alone in this universe and we also don't want to discover the possibily of other living things.

Strike

Because maybe the only way to survive this world is to be a realist. Not a hardcore on, of course. But the type who knows how to put their interest above others. People who only think about what they want to achieve no matter where they are or what their current circumstances are. People who surround themselves with those who can benefit them. And people who know that they can trust no one in this world but themselves. People who know how to depend on no one. People who know when to turn their back on other people and how to leave whenever there is nothing beneficial coming from other people. People who know that nothing is permanent, but permanent interest. Friends and foes, they're not eternal.

People who strive, and when needed, strike.

Stepping away

One step away.
Two steps away.
Three steps away.

She halts.
She waits.
Nothing.

Four steps away.
Five steps away.
Six steps away.

She halts.
Her heart feels heavy.
Nothing.

Seven steps away.
Eight steps away.
Nine steps away.

She halts.
Eyes get teary.
'Ask me to stay,' she whispers.

Ten steps away.
Eleven steps away.
Twelve steps away.

She halts.
She looks back.
Nothing.

She walks away, anyway.

Where are you?

"Where are you?"
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Where are you?"
"What are you on about? I'm here"
"No, you're not. Where are you?"
"What? Are you drunk? It's me, I'm here"
"No, where are..." she sighs, "Sorry. It's nothing."

And the stars are finally aligned,
Making a perfect constellation,
A galaxy,
A universe,

All in your eyes.

me in this couples of months

Hi! it's been a while since the last time I wrote about my life and I guess this will be a post where I basically write about anything that has been happening and it's going to be a waste of post, I know.

The third semester is not actually that bad. Really. The homework are not that many and I don't really have to stay up late every night doing my homework because guess what?! I am so done with procrastinating and life has been so GREAT since I tried to stop procrastinating things (<< that rhymes!) Like, seriously, why did I ever procrastinate before? How many hours of sleeps have I wasted just because I procrastinate things?  The answer will remain a mystery.

Yeah, uni life has been fine and actually better than the last semester. The only thing I dislike about this semester is the lecturers. Some of them just like to skip classes to do only God-knows-what and once they come they only give a task to everyone and it's basically adding one more problem to everyone's life but me because newsflash, I don't do procrastinate anymore :)

Bragging can be so fun sometimes.

Another thing I don't like about this semester is that my 4 classes start at 8 am. It's a complete struggle. Can you imagine how much effort do I have to put everyday to actually get up from my bed and take a shower and get ready and go to the uni? So many efforts, it's unbelievable.

I know, I like to exaggerate things. That's one of my talents.

Oh by the way, I am so left behind my reading challenge and I don't think I can complete my own challenge this year. It's not that I don't have time, it's just I'm not in the mood to read and whenever I feel like reading, I can't find that one book that makes me want to read again and I do not want to read series or trilogy or anything else, I want a stand-alone book but nothing really catches my eyes. Recommendations are welcomed, though!

Seriously, I am in need of a good book.

Oh! Did I mention that I almost fainted on my first day of period?! Oh god, that was the most painful stomach cramp I had ever experienced in my whole entire life and on scale 1-10, the pain was an absolutely 10. It hurt so much that I almost fainted. At first it was just like another stomach cramp but then it got worse so I decided to drink a pill (I never really drank pills before, only once) and instead of getting better, I got worse. My view started to turn yellow-ish and grey-ish and I was on a motorbike with my boyfriend and thank god we made it to my room, well not really. I puked out the whole instant noodle and the pill in the trash bin in front of my room and it was like the little amount of remaining energy in my body was drained out out of me and I couldn't stop sweating.

Period is a complete disaster. The pain can be so unbearable and I think guys have no rights to say "She's mad, she's on her period". I mean, I am not offended, but if you guys have to go through what we have to go through every month, then maybe you guys will get it why we can be so grumpy and moody sometimes. It's not an unreasonable excuse. It's really reasonable to be grumpy in that time of a month because it hurts and so uncomfortable and everything becomes so annoying.

What else?

Well, life has been really nice to me lately. I feel like everything is finally falling into places. Maybe that's why people need to fall apart first, so that the pieces of them could finally fall into the right places. Now I understand when people say "hang on in there, things will get better". Because it really will. Things get better. You'll get better, so hang on just a little more. Life will always be worth it.

And I really hope everything will stay still at their own places for a very very long time. Fingers crossed, baby. Fingers crossed.

Don't dream

"Why aren't you sleeping?"
"No, I don't want to sleep."
"Why? Oh wait, let me guess... it is because your reality is finally better than your dreams, right? Falling in love makes you feel that."
"Well yes. My reality is better than my nightmares. Wait, nightmares are dreams, too, aren't they? And dreams can come true. That's why I don't want to sleep. I do not want to dream. What if my dream, my nightmare, comes true?"

Seasons change...

...so do people.

Sometimes we wish for autumn to stay forever. But winter is near and whether we like it or not, we still have to wear our jacket and socks. Just to make sure we're safe and sound.




Be careful of changes. It is always better to be prepared for the worst.

the universe is yours

It was Friday night and they were sitting on the rooftop, trying to catch a glimpse of stars in a very busy city. His shoulders were draped with a blanket and he was holding his cup of coffee. He was gazing to the sky and her eyes were fixated on him. Sometimes she wondered why she still loved him even after every fight and scream they'd gone through, even after she was so close to giving up. But in the night like this, when it was only them and the moon, she remembered why she loved him in the first time. Looking at him enjoying himself and sipping his coffee made her heart bloom again, he looked so innocent and it was as if nothing in the world could worry him.

"What are you thinking about?"
"Us."
"What about us?"
She shrugged, "I like us like this. Sitting in silence, enjoying each other's company even if we're not even speaking. And it's like... we got the whole world at our hands."
"Well, you're my world, so yeah, I really got the whole world at my hand," he grinned.



Oh, but darling, you got the whole universe at your hand, and what is a world compared to the universe?

so casually cruel in the name of being honest

"I don't love you anymore,"

Never in a million years did she expect to hear those words coming from his mouth. He was not that cruel. She hated it when he cursed, so he never really cursed. And at this moment, she swore she would rather hear him curse than hear him say those 4 words.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

It was the most painful silence she had ever experienced in her life and it was always a comfortable silence with him, not this kind of silence. She never heard silence screamed this loud before. She hated it, she hated it.

"Why?" she finally had the courage to say a word. She was in the verge of crying but she never cried in front of anyone but the person in the mirror. She was trying so hard to look okay.

"It's just... different. To be honest, I don't feel anything at all anymore. It's all gone, poof. The sparks, the butterflies, they're all gone. I never wait for out late night conversations anymore, I never wait for our next romantic dinner anymore, I never wait for your hugs and kisses anymore. I lost it all. I am sorry but I swear to God I never planned this to happen this way and honestly I've tried my best to stay in this relationship, but I can't lie to myself anymore." And it was like all the weights had been lifted up from his shoulder. Finally, he whispered.

She never thought it was the reason. She thought it was because of another girl or something else. But never that. And it hurt. She wanted to go, she wanted to disappear. It hurt.

She nodded. She couldn't find her voice and if she spoke, there was no doubt that she'd cry.

"Okay then. I can't make you change your mind, can I?" She smiled. And it was that kind of sad, giving up smile. She wanted to cry so bad, she wanted to go home and bury her head on her pillow.

"I'm sorry. It was nice spending my 4 years with you but it's over. And honestly, I think you deserve someone better. So, yeah, good bye. Have a nice life." He walked away, leaving her and her scattered heart all over the floor.

She was frozen on her feet.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

She finally let out a sob. A sob that turned to cries. Cries that turned to hysterical cries. Hysterical cries that turned to silent cries. The kind of cry that didn't have any sound. The kind of cry when you couldn't stop sobbing, when you find it so hard to breathe and you couldn't stop clutching your heart because your heart hurt so much like there was something heavy sitting on top of your heart.


It hurt. It hurt. It hurt so much. But eventually, she'd get used to the pain.

The Cliché Unrequited Love pt 2

She remembered the first time she met him. It was in the beginning of autumn, just when the leaves were about to turn brown. She was in the park, staring at the trees, autumn would always be her favorite season of the year. And he was there, walking by with his sister.

Long story short, they were the perfect example of strangers became best friends. They talked about the seasons, animals, kids until the most serious thing anyone could ever imagine. She knew him like the back of her hand. She knew his favorite band, his favorite food and drink. She knew he never really combed his hair. She knew he liked his steak half cooked. She knew his favorite coffee at Starbucks. She knew that he snored whenever he slept.

She liked the way his eyes lit up whenever he was talking about his favorite band. She liked the way he bit his lower lips whenever he’s too focused on solving a problem or the way his nose turned red whenever the weather was cold. She knew everything, heck, she knew she was in love with him. She knew from the moment those grey eyes met her at the park that she’d be screwed. She knew she was going to get hurt when he first smiled at her, she knew she was going to get her heart broken when he sang her his favorite song, she knew what she was heading toward and she knew she wouldn’t stop anytime soon. She was free falling. She was in love. She was stupid.

“Hey are you ready?” he asked excitedly. Everyone would be able to see the excitement radiating from him. It was such a pleasant sight to see. He looked so utterly handsome and beautiful. His dark brown hair was slicked back and he was wearing a nice suit and tie.

To say she was nervous would be an understatement. She was planning to tell her about her feelings tonight. She had all those words she wanted to say locked inside her brain, heck, she had repeated those words in front of the mirror for so many times and yet it didn’t get any better.

She was wearing her favorite red dress. It was a simple sleeveless dress that fell down to her knees and hugged her curvy body perfectly. She matched it with a pair of black high heels and her mom’s necklace. She always thought of that necklace as her lucky charm. She didn’t forget to curl her hair and do her make-up. Everything must be perfect. Boy, did she try so hard to impress him. Little did she know what was about to happen.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” She replied, trying to be as excited as he was and everyone but him could notice the hint of nervousness in her eyes. Well, he never really noticed everything, did he?

“You look beautiful! I can’t wait until you meet my fiancée tonight! I bet you guys would be best friends, too. Just like us.” The happiness inside of him was so unbelievable.


Well, maybe she never really knew everything after all.

You never know how much people had changed until you read the conversations from years, or even months ago.

You'd notice the differences, like how you were before and how they were before and you'd realize that people did change but so did you. And it also made you realized how much you miss some people and the way they used to be.

The cliché unrequited love

She wakes up feeling dizzy, guess she cried too much last night.

She looks at the window, it isn’t raining anymore, and the sun is shining so bright.

She gets ready, maybe today is going to be a good day, she thought.

She puts her favorite yellow sundress, she likes her clothes bright.

“If there’s nothing bright inside of me, at least I put some bright colors outside”, she thought.

She looks at the mirror and frowns.

Her face is too pale. Her brown eyes are too big for her small face. Her hair is too thick. Her lips are weird, she doesn’t like her crooked smile, or the way she laughs, or the way she sounds.

She doesn’t like the way her body looks. Too short, too skinny, too small.

But what she doesn’t know is that there’s someone out there thinking about her every night before he goes to sleep, making all the scenes in his head where she’s finally his.

He likes her pale face, especially when she applies that red lipstick on her lips, the color compliments her face, making her look so beautiful. He would like to kiss every freckles on her face and kiss those plump lips of hers. Well, only if she lets him.

He likes her eyes, oh boy, does he like her eyes. Especially when she’s out in the sun, and her eyes look brighter than the usual. He could stare so long at those milky brown eyes and completely get lost in them, only if she lets him.

He likes her raven black hair and the way her hair falls down to her breast, framing her beautiful heart-shaped face so perfectly. He likes it even more when she puts her hair in a ponytail, making her look younger. He wonders how it feels like to run his fingers through her hair, oh only if she lets him.

He likes her crooked smile, no, he’s in love with her crooked smile. He thinks she has the kind of smile that could light up the whole world, the kind of smile that could stop any war, even the war he has inside his head. If she lets him, he would try his hardest to make her smile every day.

He likes the way she sounds. Her voice is so melodic and angelic, even when he never hears an angel talks before. He knows even angel doesn’t have that kind of beautiful voice like hers. He also likes the way she laughs, if he could, he would record her laughing and play it again and again, making her laughter the soundtrack of his life, only if she lets him.

He likes her small petite body. He likes how she would always ask for help whenever she wants to take a book from a high shelf. Her small body makes him feel the need to protect her every time. Oh, if only she would allow him to protect her.

But she never knows about that, about a story of a guy who’s completely in love with her. A guy who would give up everything just for her. A story that maybe would give her a happy ending.

She never knows and he never tells.

So she puts her white high heels on her small feet, hoping they would make her look taller.

And he puts his head back on the pillow, dreaming about a girl who is beyond his reach.

Ah, maybe love is meant to be kept alone.

I think people need to be torn open before they actually know who they really are. People need to get their heart broken and scarred open, so that the gems in them would shine, so that the light that's burried deep within their soul would finally come out and show them who they really are.

A letter to you I would never send

March, 24th 2015.

Maybe one day we'd meet again, when we all have grown up into a different person and maybe I'd tell you everything and when I do tell you, I wouldn't feel anything like I used to. I wouldn't feel a twinge of hurt or sadness whenever I thought about you. I would laugh when I tell you everything, because maybe one day everything would seem so stupid and funny.

Maybe one day we'd meet again, in a cafe, and I am with someone else, and you're with someone else. And I would say hi to you without feeling anything at all, because I'm happy with whoever I am with and I am happy seeing you happy with whoever you're with.

Maybe one day you'd see me the way I used to see yourself, with complete adoration and awe that makes your heart beat faster and fill your stomach with butterflies. Maybe you'd understand why my cheeks flushed whenever you smile at me, because you finally feel the same way I used to feel about you.

Maybe one day you'd feel all those things I used to feel and you'd realize how foolishly in love I was with you back then. You'd realize how much I adored you and how the little things you did make me flush so stupidly and how willingly I wanted to give you everything I had back then but when you realize that, I wouldn't be so in love with you anymore. You'd want to see me and tell me how you've realized everything and how you feel the same away about me but when you do see me, you'd see me happily in love with someone and maybe it'd stop you dead in your track when you see me smiling at him in a sheepish way I used to smile at you. Maybe your stomach would drop when you see me looking at him with all the adoration and love I used to give to you. Maybe your heart would break when you see him making me laugh until my stomach hurts because you never did that to me on purpose. And you would walk away and give up, just like what I did back then. You wouldn't get the chance to say everything you want to say, just like the way I didn't get the chance to say everything to you back then. All your words would be left unsaid, just like how all my words are still left unsaid until now.

Maybe one day you'd finally realized what you had lost when you were too hung up chasing everything else and maybe one day I'd finally realize that I was a fool for spending so much time thinking and dreaming about you.

Maybe one day we'd meet again, when we're different and mature enough to accept everything.

The eyes of nights

I always love the moon. The queen of night. The watcher of night. The listener of every man's problems.

And for me, maybe the moon is the witness of the nights where I cry myself to sleep or where I fall asleep smiling like a fool. A witness of the nights where I felt so lonely. A witness of every tiring night I endure.

And the moon is probably the only thing that understands how different people can get at nights. How their thoughts could eat them alive and how hard it is to fall asleep. The moon probably understands how people could feel so empty and lonely at nights.

And maybe the moon understands what I feel now. Maybe it understands what I cannot say in words. Maybe it understands how it feels like to be so empty and scared and confused. Maybe it understands why sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night. Maybe it knows whom I miss at nights. Maybe it knows about all the people I think about most of the nights. 

Where did I do wrong

I would never be good enough for anyone else. All my life I've been told that I never put enough effort in everything I do. Ever since I was a kid, the people around me never forgot to tell me, "you don't have any effort", "work harder" and it never stops, even until now. It's like all the efforts I've done just suddenly went unnoticed.

I don't know where I did wrong but I'm so tired of people telling me to put more efforts and whatnot. It seems like I would never be good enough for other people no matter how hard I try to. I am never enough.

Or maybe it really is my fault. Maybe they're right. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Maybe I don't work hard enough. Maybe I need to change.


(Or maybe this girl really has no effort in living anymore)

all grown up

How do you know you've grown up and changed?
1. When sleeping at 11 pm is a blessing.
2. When you have no problem skipping breakfast.
3. When you don't give a damn whether you pass by getting a B or a C. Passing is passing.
4. When you wake up to the sound of your alarm, not your mom's voice.
5. When you have to make a group conversation if you want to hang out with your friends.
6. When you don't open social media through your laptop anymore.
7. When going back home to your old bedroom is better than taking vacations.
8. When you arrived at home after months of being away and realized that everything and everyone looks different.

p.s: I really miss waking up to my mom's loud voice. She never really wakes me up anymore, even if I'm home.

Yearbook

"I've said farewell so many times before, but it seems like in saying goodbye, practice doesn't make perfect."

-My yearbook.

And that line really kills. Goodbye is never easy. No matter how many times you've said goodbye.

A piece from the past

I am only a harbor on the ocean.
People only come to me when they need a rest,
when they need something.
I am a place where no one stays.
Everyone comes and sails away.

And then you came.
The lonely harbor became more alive.
The ocean seemed bluer.
The wind blew peacefully.
The birds sang prettier.

But I am a place where no one stays.
Like everyone, you sailed away.
Taking away my blue ocean, peaceful wind and pretty birds.
And now I am a haunted harbor,
Forever haunted by the beautiful images of you.


-written on January, 15th 2012.


p.s: I don't even remember what this poem is all about.
p.p.s: THIS IS MY 100TH POST!!!

"Human would never be satisfied enough. If it is possible, human would put moon inside their pocket just for the heck of it."

Talks are cheap

Some people are all talks and show no action. Some other talk less and show actions.

Most people are the first one. They talk and talk and talk but when it comes to do the action, they show nothing. Their words and actions are so different. Their words are bigger than their actions.

And that includes me. My words are always greater than my actions. My actions never justify my words. My words are sometimes only lies.

But talks are cheap, buddy. Talks are cheap.

No ending

You can study me for as much as you like. You can learn me, observe me, but no one could ever understand me. For I am so different from what you see through your eyes.

To understand, you have to be me, put yourself in my small shoes and see the world through my eyes. And you'll understand why I keep silent. You'll understand why I keep my mouth shut. You'll undetstand why I keep it all inside.

And no one could ever understand me. No one could ever be me. No one could ever be someone else.

You can only study people. Most people are like books. They wanted to be read, to be appreciated. But some people are like teachers. They teach you everything, they make it easier to study them.

And I guess I am a book filled with chaotic story. The kind of book that only a few people would buy in a bookstore. The kind of book that people leave in the back of their bookshelf.

The kind of book with no ending.

a little writing straight from my brain

There are so many things to think about, so many works to do but so little time and so little energy and I think it's another point of my life when I feel like everything is weighting me down and I just want to stop and forget about everything and I really wish I could stop giving a damn or two about things that are out of my control. It's frustrating. I have so many things running in my brain and it's so tiring. I zone out a lot. I overthink a lot. The 'what if's questions become worse and I really wish I could take a step back from everything and enjoy my self. But I can't. I don't like playing hide and seek with my problems and emotions. I need to get everything done and solved.

Who?

People will really do everything to relieve the pain. Everything.

But who are we to judge? We don't even feel an ounce of their sadness or pain.

Who are we to tell them what they do is wrong? We are not walking on their shoes.

Who are we to them? Who are we to the people around us?

Yeah, we don't understand what we don't understand.

The more you grow up,

The less friends you have,
The more you realize who your real friends are,
The more you know that the less you have, the more you value them.

Dear old man,

Hello.
I don't don't know why I am writing you another post. Maybe it's because our birthdays are so soon but we won't celebrate it together like we used to 7 years ago. I'm getting older and you're not. And I guess tonight is one of those nights when you casually enter my brain and force me to cry. I don't want to cry, I really don't. It's been 6 years and I look so pathetic crying over your death for God-knows how many times.

But I couldn't help it. I look for your in every man I meet. I search for at least one of your traits in every man I know. And I found nothing. I couldn't find your wittiness, your wiseness, your mischievousness or your any other traits in other people. No other man can be like you and maybe that's why I get so disappointed when people don't turn out like the way you did. I get disappointed when people don't act like the way you did. I get disappointed with the way people deal with their problems because none of them can solve their problems the way you did. I get disappointed because no one can be as good as you.

And I don't think I can admire and love any other man the way I admire and love you.

I miss you and I hope heaven's treating you well.

I'll see you when it's time for me to see you. I love you.

Miracle

You can't be a miracle for the whole world.

But believe it or not, you are a miracle to someone. You'll stumble upon someone who will think of you as nothing but a miracle and you will think of that someone as a miracle, too.

Maybe he is a miracle to her, but she's not a miracle to him. Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe she's someone else's miracle or he's someone else's miracle, too.

Too many maybes, too many possibilities. This is a big world, after all. But I know miracle will happen to everyone. Not in a form of magic, but in a form of human being.

Meh

There's always something that ruins the perfect day. Always.

Usually that something is a stupid little thing that is not important at all but somehow that stupid little thing becomes something that is worth bickering about.

Started this day perfectly but I shouldn't had expected that the day would end perfectly, too. Meh, something must go wrong in Salma's world. Whatever. I'm tired. And my legs hurt so much, so does my back. UGH.

And also stomach cramps.


UUUGGGHHHHHH WHY

Hopefully me in 7 years

We are going to be somebody's mom and dad later. Can you imagine how awesome is that? There will come a time when you have to bath your own children, to buy cute little dresses for your own daughter, to play dress up with a real girl, to cheer during your son's first football game, to spend so many birthdays with your children, to go on roadtrips together.
There will come a time when you have to take your children to their first day at school. You will watch your children grow from elementary, middle school, high school and university. You will watch them being in love and happy, you will watch them getting their heart broken for the first time, you will watch them being sad and frustrated. You will watch them being a teenager.

You will notice the change of attitude, style and hobby and maybe one day we will all understand why our parents can be so overprotective sometimes. Maybe one day we will all understand why they get mad at stupid little things we do. Maybe one day we will understand why our parents don't give us money to hang out with our friends. Maybe one day we will understand why our parents tell us to never come home to late. Maybe one day we will finally understand why our parents are they way they are now.

Maybe they don't want their children to go through what they had been through during their teenage year.

I really hope I could make one hell of a mother, though.

Some things are not meant to be described

I wanted to write about the way your eyes seem to look through me whenever I am talking to you. I wanted to write about the way you talk and the way you laugh. I wanted to write about how nice it feels when you simply hold my hand. I wanted to write about you and how you make me feel things I have never experienced.

I got my pen on my hand and the paper was already in front of me, waiting. I kept silent. My brain was working like a maniac, trying to find the most perfect word to describe you.

Fifteen minutes.

Thirty minutes.

One hour.

The paper was still blank. My brain couldn't find the word. And I realized no one had invented the word perfect enough to describe you. There's no adjective good enough to describe about what I feel.

I put my pen down and left the table. Maybe the greatest things in life are not supposed to be described.

Dear cupid,

Cupid, cupid,
Hit me with your arrow
Make him my hero
And I will be the heroine who fights all his demons away

Cupid, cupid,
Hit me with your arrow
Put me and him in your meadow
And we can lay there forever under the sky

Cupid, cupid,
Hit me with your arrow
Make him promise to never let go
And I will promise to stay

Cupid, cupid,                        
Hit me with your arrow
Tell him to never stoop so low
And I will tell him that the world is not ugly

Cupid, cupid,
Your arrow hit me right in the heart
I am bleeding.
But don't pull out the arrow,
It's all worth the pain.

Its nothing, only me venting whatever it is in my brain

I think no one can figure out the way my brain works. It's so frustrating that NO ONE can actually understand what I really want and what I really want to hear. I mean, it's clearly not their mistakes, I know it damn well. But ugh! I cannot be mad at them since it's actually my fault for not telling them what I really really want but I am not good at asking for anything, I do not like to ask for a help, so I stay silent and nod along but deep down, DEEP DEEP DOWN WITHIN MY HEART, I disagree, I am hoping that someone can tell that I am lying but no IT NEVER HAPPENS BECAUSE THE WORLD DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.

how this year has gone by so far

Can we take a moment to remember that there are only 4 months left in 2015?

Let that sink in.....

And the question is, what have I achieved so far?

The answer is, I DON'T KNOW. Gosh I am such a failure. I promised myself I would somehow try to be better this year but in my pretty little mind, I have this absolute theory that PROMISES ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN SO I BROKE THE PROMISES I MADE WITH MY OWN FREAKING SELF BECAUSE WHY THE HELL NOT? Sure, I did try to change myself in the beginning of the year. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't complain a lot and it did work for a couple of weeks but then uni started and I was bombed with all those assignments, papers and journals and I started to complain every single damn time. No, I am not joking, my habit of complaining increased 21321325 percent. Every time I got a new assignment, I complained. Every time there was a morning class, I complained. Every time there was a quiz or exam, I complained. I basically complained about every single thing and it's getting pretty annoying even for me. I can't imagine the feelings of the ones who usually listened to my complains, though. It must be so damn annoying and I really want to say thank you for putting up with my shits all these times, you guys don't know how grateful I am to have you guys listen to me all the freaking time. 

And by some miracle, I managed to finish the 2nd semester and again, by some miracle, I managed to get a great GPA and for once in my life, I am actually proud of my own scores and grades. It's like all the hard works were all paid off even though the hard works include some complaining and whining and even crying. 

And then holiday came. During the holiday, I did........ nothing. Well, if you consider staying up all night, waking up late, watching tv, reading and being lazy are something, then sure, I did a lot during holiday. My holiday was basically me staying up until 5 am doing god-knows-what on my phone (it involved some stalking, chatting, watching and reading) and waking up at 11 pm. A round of applause, please. 

But luckily, I still have friends here so I went out sometimes. I went to this new mall in town that has a new starbucks shop and it is actually the one and only starbucks shop in my city and the queue was so long!! And I went to this beach that is so so so beautiful and blue and so calming and soothing and I managed to climb one of the cliffs and to tell you the truth, it was scary. I almost slipped because the rocks were so wet and there was always a big wave so it was a struggle for me and my weak body :) Oh, another reason why I didn't go anywhere this holiday was because my mom needed a surgery and she had to stay at the hospital for a few days but everything's fine now with her.

And now, I am back in my new living building. I had to go back to uni earlier due to some agenda I have to attend and it was still so sad to leave my hometown but I think it'll be easier later, leaving and coming back. 

And today is a good day. I just got back from a date and I was tired but happy. We went to the sushi restaurant and I ate 4 plates of sushi. I WAS HUNGRY DO NOT JUDGE ME, OKAY. And we kinda just walked around the mall and he bought me this hat.... I don't know what it is called in english but it's the hat that people usually use to go to the beach? Well yeah, I hope you get the idea. And I had to wear that hat around the mall and it was so embarrassing but who cares? 

Well, that sums up my 8 months in 2015. This year doesn't really have any significant differences from the previous years but one think I realize is that I am happier now. The decision of studying abroad is indeed the right decision. Leaving is always hard, but the prizes I got here are great. This city is slowly becoming a new home to me and I accept that gladly. I have finally let go of all the things I cannot have and I am happy in the process of letting go. 

It's like I had been holding a rose for a very long time. And the more I tried to hold on, the uglier the rose got and finally, the rose lost its beauty, because my hand was not the place where the rose wanted to be. So I dropped the rose, because I didn't see any beauty in it anymore. I still remember the reasons why I picked that rose, but now, all the reasons were all gone. Disappeared. And my hand is no longer bleeding, and God, does it feel good to let go. 

And maybe that's why, if you love roses or any kind of flowers, you don't have to pick them up from the soil because they will eventually lose their beauty. Instead, you let them grow and they will become more beautiful than before. The same thing goes with human, I think. If you love someone, you don't have to think about possession. You have to let them be. You let them grow and in the end, they will be stronger and more beautiful than before. 

p.s: so sorry for any grammar mistake because I don't reread this post 

p.p.s: I've been spending so many times on tumblr because I have nothing to do and I miss tumblr and I forget how amazing and funny it actually is. So yeah, here's the link to my tumblr and yes, I only reblog. 

bye-bye!

"I haven't been all that you could've hoped for, but if you'd held on a little longer, you'd have had more reasons to be proud."

but nothing's impossible, is it?

You are born and you are taught that you need to love everything, everyone. They told you to love the world. But you can't and you won't be able to. Until you found that someone whom you can love so much and love you back in return. Being with that person can change your view of the world. The world is not ugly anymore. The world is not always about wars anymore. The world is not a bad place to live. The world just suddenly becomes beautiful and you know how to love the whole wide world.

You need to narrow down your love to a person before you can give your love freely to the world. Focus your love on a person who sweeps you off of your feet and buy you flowers. A person who always makes time for you. A person who makes you happy and sad. A person who accepts you for who you are. A person whose eyes and arms would always welcome you home.  And before you know it, you suddenly love your surrounding better, the flowers look prettier, the sun shines brighter and the sky seems bluer. You can learn to see the goods in everything once you love and are loved back. You know how good it feels to receive love so you want the whole world to know what it feels like to have love. The world is indeed beautiful.

That's the thing about love, I guess. It makes everything look more beautiful than before. Imagine if everyone has never gone heartbroken before. Imagine if everyone can find someone they love so dearly and would stop at nothing to make them happy. Imagine if everyone can find someone who can make them happy and so grateful with their life. Then, people wouldn't be asking for more. Maybe wars will not be raging and maybe people will not be so sad all the time because they're actually grateful with just being with that someone.


It's impossible, I know. Love can be cruel, too.

The Catcher in The Rye

Hi. I've been wanting to write a post dedicated to one of my all-time favorite novels, The Catcher in The Rye but I've got no time to write about it and honestly, I don't know what to write about that amazing book and I'm afraid that I will not be able to justify the awesomeness of The Catcher in The Rye.

The Catcher in The Rye is a book that has no beginning and no ending. It is just like that. Maybe it's like a diary of Holden Caulfield, the main character of this book. And his story was sad. He was lost and he was stuck between the adulthood and the childhood. The main problem of this story is that he didn't want to grow up. All adults he met, according to him, were too phony. Nobody really listened to him. If you reread the story, you'll notice that whenever he was about to talk to someone, he always began the dialog with "listen!" but no one really listened to him. Not the nun, the cab driver even the prostitute that he paid, didn't want to listen. He desperately wanted to stop the time. He wanted to freeze the time.

"The best thing, though, in that museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody'd move.... Nobody'd be different"

In that sentence, I can conclude that Holden wished that his life was like things in museum. Frozen still. Not moving. Holden feared changes, he hated changes so he wanted everything to stay the same, like everything that was at the museum.

Another thing I learn about Holden is that he wanted to protect innocence. All the adults he met were selfish and ignorant and he didn't want kids to grow up and lose their innocence, that's why he wanted to stop the time, to stop changes, so that no kid would actually grow up. He wanted to be the catcher in the rye.

"I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all."

That thought of Holden described how he wanted to protect the innocence of children. How he didn't want children to be like all the adults he met. How he wanted to keep the spirit of kids, their purity. He wanted to catch them before they fall to the adulthood zone. He wanted them to stay young forever and here, we can see how naive Holden actually was. His view of the world was too crazy. He was way too far from the reality and he was desperate because no one can really understand his struggle and his past. The only adult who understood him was dead. Another person who can understand him was his sister, who was still a kid. Phoebe was the only one who listened to Holden in the novel and she was a kid, another reason why Holden thought that adults were phony. Another reason why he wanted to protect children's spirit.

Another famous quotation from this book is where Holden asked the cab driver what happened to the ducks in the lake when the water freezes over the winter. It's a metaphor. From my point of view, he was asking what will happen to him if he accepts the changes in his life. He was the ducks and the lake was the changes. What will happen to the ducks when the water freeze? Will the ducks survive? What will happen to him when he grow up? Or maybe the question Holden wanted to ask was "will he survive?"

During the winter, the ducks flew to seek for a warmer weather and they will come back again in spring. For me, it represents that changes are temporary and cyclical. Changes happen all the time. When changes happen, things might get harder at first, but in the end, you'll get used to it. Just like the ducks, they can find their way to accept the changes during winter and face it with their own way and so can Holden, he just didn't know how.


Well, those things are what I underlined on my book and I had to reread the book 3 times to actually be able to grasp the full idea of the book. It is a beautiful book and I think most people my age can relate to Holden. We are all confused, lost and we wanted to be listened, to be heard. We fear changes, I think most people do and some of us do not know how to deal with changes. Some of us do not know how to deal with losing but we are all trying to find our own way to deal with life, to deal with adulthood.

I actually also did a research on Salinger, the writer of the book. He grew up in war zone, where innocence were lost, where innocence were corrupted and maybe that was why he wrote The Catcher in The Rye. He, himself wanted to protect the innocence of other people since he didn't really get to protect his own innocence due to the war. Maybe he didn't want other people to lose what he had lost during the war. The purity of a child, an optimism and a spirit.



P.s: Well, these are all purely based on my own understanding and if you have a different understanding than it's okay. It's a public book and we are all have rights to interpret it whatever way we want. It'd be delightful if whoever reading this blog (probably no one lol) can share their own thoughts because this book is really great and awesome. And if you haven't read the book, well... GO READ IT!

bye!

I hope the sun shines there//a closure//

You were so eager to leave the hometown, weren't you?
Oh God, you are even so eager to leave this country.
Living and working outside this country.
You and your wild dreams.

Now that you left,
How do you feel?
How's the town? How's the people in there?
Is it everything you ever wished for?

I hope you're doing good.
I hope it's all everything you wanted to see.
I hope you're happy,
And that you'll find someone whom you can love so dearly.

Wherever you are right now,
I hope you'll always come back to our hometown.
Take a look around.
Can you count how many things have changed since you left?

Pass our school building,
What do you remember?
Skipping math and history class?
Getting caught talking too loud during the flag ceremony?

What do you remember?
Talking bad things about unfair teachers?
Complaining about hard exams?
Playing cards and got caught?

Take a look at your yearbook,
What do you see?
A bunch of happy faces, a lot of goodbye quotes.
Does something enter your mind?

The graduations party,
The farewell party,
The tears of joy,
The "I'll see you soon".

And 7 years from now,
I hope you are right where you want to be.
I hope you get everything you want in life.
I hope you are surrounded by amazing people.

But most of all,
7 years from now,
I hope you're still coming back to where you first started,
I hope you won't forget your mom's smile when she saw you succeeded,
I hope you won't forget all the people who were there throughout your journey in life,
I hope you will never forget where you came from and what you were before what you are now.


And as for me,
I still don't know where I'm heading,
What I want in life,
Or what I want to be.

And if you ever wonder,
I am perfectly content with my life here.
And if you ever wonder,
I no longer wonder about you anymore.

But just so you know,
I never regret knowing you or spending my time with you,
And in fact, you're one of so many people that I do not want to lose contact with.
One of so many people that I still want to see when I am 40.

And lastly, thank you.
For everything.
I really wish you the best in life and see ya.

Whole again

I'll repaint your blue with red,

So that you don't have to walk around feeling blue and sad,

So that you would know that my love burns brighter than the fire.

I'll recolour your grey sky with sunrise,

So that your day won't be gloomy,

So that the sun can dry your tears. 

I'll replace your sad songs with happy songs,

So that no song can remind you of a bad past,

So that every song can cheer you up whenever you're down.

I'll rewrite your sad poems with spellbinding poems,

So that you don't have to see your scars anymore,

So that you feel happy and content.

I'll refill the vacancy in your heart with my love,

So that you're not lonely anymore,

So that you know you're loved and cherished,

So that you'd feel whole again.

What if?

"What if one day you wake up and you don't love me as much as you do now?"
"What if everyday I wake up loving you more than yesterday? Like I do now"

You put "what" and "if" together and it will either create the scariest thoughts or the most beautiful thoughts.



P.s: I can't even stay away from this blog for a month. Well, who cares. Hello!

You should go, Nina

Nina has a boyfriend. She loves him and he loves her. They go on a date regularly. Her boyfriend treats her good and she always thinks that he is just like a character from her favorite book. He knows exactly what to do and she couldn't ask for more. Or so she thought.

The more she knows him, the more flaws she finds in him. The more she spends time with him, the more she realizes that they are so different. Nina is confused. She loves him so much but sometimes it gets too much, even for her. Sometimes she thinks she couldn't handle him anymore but then she remembers why she loved him in the first place and it's enough to make her stay. And besides, she loves him, she really does.
                                                 
But one question, "does Nina love him enough to stay with him and his other flaws she has yet to discover?"

Finger crossed, Nina. Finger crossed.

Its totally okay to feel so much amount of happiness

"It's okay not to be okay"
"There is beauty in sadness"

I disagree.

It is not okay if you don't feel okay. You are only okay if you feel okay. Don't make it seem like everything is okay when nothing is okay. If you're not okay, then do something to make it okay again. Never dwell on the thought that feeling not okay is okay because it is clearly not. If you dwell, then you're not going to be okay at all because you keep thinking that not being okay is an okay thing.

And no, I don't really believe that there's beauty in sadness. Sure, sadness can produce something beautiful. Sad songs, sad lullabies, sad poems and sad stories are the most beautiful ones and it is easier to write when you are sad. But to be honest, being sad all the time is not pretty or beautiful. The outcames can be beautiful but what about the massive sadness that stays within yourself? Is it beautiful? No. I've seen so many people going into depression when the sadness is too much. Is going through depression beautiful? No. It's painful and it hurts. Being sad hurts so much and I cannot really find the beauty in sadness, except the sad writings that come along with people who are sad.

But, don't you think it's better to create something when you're happy? Happy is always better. Everyone wants to be happy. And in happiness, that is where you find beauty. The happy ending stories make the best kind of story (well, for me at least. I always want the characters in the books to have a happily ever after, I don't know, it just makes me happy when my fav characters are having a happy life). The happy songs are good and cheerful, especially the ones that can make you sing along and dance. The happy poems are good, too. Happy poems are beautiful. It's just good to read a poem that describes the happiness of the poet. It's amazing when a poet turns simple words into something that is so beautiful and you can literally feel the happiness radiating from the poet's poem. Maybe it is just me, but I often smile to my own self when I read a happy, I-am-so-in-love-and-nothing-else-matters kind of poem. It feels good to know that someone is capable to feel that amount of happiness.

When sadness only creates beauty when it can be let out, happiness creates beauty in every form. Happiness can create beautiful writings but without any writing, happiness is beautiful, too. It creates beauty within your self and honestly, there is nothing more beautiful than to be truly happy with everthing that you are now. There is nothing nothing more attractive than a real ear-to-ear smile. There is nothing more melodious than laughing so hard.



(But it's so hard to make happy poems. It's either I don't feel happy enough to write happy poems or I feel so so so happy that I couldn't decide which word is enough to describe my happiness).

I guess this pic is the reason behind this post. Happy poems are beautiful.

Chess

"You have to sacrifice something if you want to win. Let her get your bishop and you'll get the king."

-My brother on 'helping' me to win the chess game against my cousin.

Eid and Visiting Relatives (part 2)

I've been waiting since forever to write this post because eid is always fun and interesting!!! And now I finally am able to write it!!

So, here goes the story.....
Well, even though we moved out from our old home, we decided to do the eid prayer in our old neighborhood's mosque because my grandma is still living there. Another reason is because we know all the neighbors there so well. I lived there since I was a baby and every eid, there is this little tradition that still exists until now and it would be weird if we didn't do that again this year so spending the eid at our old neighborhood is really a great choice.

The tradition is still the same, visiting every house in our neighborhood and doing a little chit-chat here and there but what amazed me was that all my friends from childhood have all grown up. When we were children, we had this group that consisted of so many children and we always played. And in that group, there were boys, too and they all looked so dorky and disgusting but today I saw them all and I was like "wow who is that" and my other friend told me who he is. They are older than me by 3-4 years and when we were children they were the ones who made the rules in the group and to see them like that is a surprise. They look so different. Puberty has done them justice....... They look so good and mature and I was like woah (I AM SORRY I CANNOT HELP MYSELF). But well, I don't really know them anymore and it was so awkward today. He came to me and my friend and he was like hey you guys look so different and I was like ha yeah, you too. And that was it. It's kind of funny actually like we used to play hide and seek almost every afternoon, went to the public swimming pool every Sunday and it was never an awkward situation. But then I guess we all have grown up and have our own life outside the neighborhood and we just stopped meeting up and catching up with each other's life. And now, I am only close with 4 friends from my childhood and the group actually consisted of so many children so I kind of miss everyone from the group but even if we decide to catch up, it would be so awkward.

The next thing I did was.... EATING! My whole family from my mom's side is all here so it was a big eating session. Eid's foods are always delicious, especially if my grandma cooked it. The beef was beautifully cooked and seasoned perfectly and it definitely tastes delicious (I think I watch too many Masterchef's episodes that I started to speak like the judges). The next thing we did were doing the apologize thingy and took a lot of pics and after that we went to my grandpa's grave and it was so emotional... My grandma couldn't stop sobbing and it made me cry too. Eid was more loud and fun with him. My grandma cried a lot and I was actually the only grandchild who cried. My brother and cousins don't know him well and my grandma was hugging me and she kept saying how she wished he was here and it was so heartbreaking. I guess they both really did love each other so much. If there is someone who misses him so much, it's my grandma. No one can miss him as much as her and no one can love him as much as she still does.

And here comes the most interesting part of my eid! VISITING MY RELATIVES!! Visiting my relatives always results a funny story for me. I went to see my aunts and uncles and all they said was "WOW LOOK AT CHA YOU ARE SO GROWN UP! I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL IN JUNIOR HIGH" and it happened every year since I was in senior high. Everyone looked so surprised to see me I mean hey, do I look like 14 to you?! And I don't even know who the heck they are. I'm sorry but we only meet once or twice a year I am not capable to remember all those names. They asked me about uni and I patiently answered every question and all those questions were the same questions only asked differently. I am such a nice person.The most awkward part was when my mom and my aunt (I don't know which one) was talking and my aunt was like "hey my daughter goes to uni in Bandung too!" and she called her daughter and was like "you guys should hang out together sometimes" and she kind of forced us to exchange LINE's id and her daughter and I were like "oh-kaaay? yeah sure" and we kind of look at each other and we gave each other an awkward stare that said "well this is awkward and we are not going to hang out". It is a mutual understanding. And besides, I don't think I could go along with her since all she talked about is boys and she looked like the Indonesian version of a typical blonde girl (I AM SORRY!). But what I love about my aunts is that they are so funny and loud and they still make fun of each other like what teenagers do. They have no pride to keep, unlike me and my relatives who are around me age. It's like they are all best friends who haven't met for years and they always have funny stories to tell and listening to them talking non-stop can seriously make me laugh so hard. I don't think me and my relatives around my age could act like that when we are their age. We never really know each other. I don't even know their names. I think my eid when I am a parent will be spent with only my cousins. What a change. I always want a loud eid with so many people talking and telling stories.

Oh, it's also my uncle's bday today! so it's a double celebrations for us!

Well, Eid Mubarak everyone! I am wishing everyone a blessed and happy eid and I cannot wait for next year's eid!

it's funny, indeed.

Learning to love someone you never thought you'd give a shot at love is... fascinating. Falling for that someone is even more fascinating. You know he was there. He existed in your world. You talked and joked with him almost everyday and you never thought you would end up with him, not even in your wildest dream.

But one day you woke up and something changed. The convo on the phone won't stop even if it was past 12 am. The convo got deeper and there were so many secrets shared, so many confessions, the harmless convo about books turned into flirty jokes and there was not a day when you didn't chat with him. You thought it was all harmless. Only two teenagers sharing secrets and throwing some flirty notes. It got complicated when feelings started to blossom. The confessions got deeper. It was not about bad things or stupid things anymore. Feelings were confessed. Words of love were spoken. Poems, writings, songs were shared. And suddenly, they were not only two teenagers sharing secrets anymore.

And now it's like you know a part of him that he never shows. Before, it was like you only saw one part of a coin and now, you see both part of a coin. The more you spend time with him, the more you learn things about him that no one knows. And despite the confusion and the doubt, you learn to love him as a whole. You learn to love his scars, his beauty, his flaws and his perfections. And in the middle of learning to love, without you knowing, you are already falling, freestyle. Every word he writes for you makes you feel high. Every sweet thing he does paints a big smile on your face. Every poem he gives to you makes your heart beat faster. Everything he does just suddenly seems so breathtaking and the world becomes a very beautiful place to stay.

Isn't it funny? You never thought you'd become this attached to him. Hell, you never thought you'd fall for him, let alone be with him for more than 5 months. But here you are now. Writing about someone you wish you'd grow up with.

not knowing is good (sometimes)

If you ask someone something and they do not want to tell you, never, I repeat, NEVER EVER EVER force them to spill whatever they're keeping. There must be a reason why they do not want to tell you. Maybe it is way too personal for them, maybe they do not trust you, maybe they think if they share it to you, it will bring so many memories that they try to bury or maybe if they tell you, they know so damn well that the stories will hurt you.

And that's why we don't force people to share their stories. Those are their stories, their histories and their memories and they have every right to keep it only in their pocket. If they want to share it, they will. But whatever it is, there must be a reason why they decide to tell you or not. And sometimes, maybe the reason is for your own good.

After all, some questions are better left unanswered and sometimes, it feels better to be left wondering than to know the truth, even though I know wondering can create scarier and eviler thoughts. At least with wondering around, you know there is a possibility that your thoughts can be wrong and maybe the truth is actually less scary than your thoughts. But maybe the truth is way more hurtful that your thoughts. You never know and I guess that's the best part of not knowing, you don't have to know about the bad news and the worst part is, you don't get the chance to know about the good news either. You are left with your own thoughts without knowing whether the truth is good or bad. With not knowing, you are left with two possibilities, the good one and the bad one and with knowing, there's no turning back. And I think I kind of put a very stupid example of Schrodinger's cat experiment with the whole 'with not knowing you never know about the good truth or the bad' thing-y, well.... maybe? I mean my example sounds stupid whereas Schrodinger's theory is more complex with the whole putting a cat inside a bunker with gun powder that has 50% chance of blowing up and 50% of not blowing up. So the cat can either be dead or not and we can only know it if we open that bunker. While the bunker is still closed, the cat is both alive or dead. We never know, because we do not open it. But if we open it, it's either a bad news or a good news. If we open it, we will see the truth whether the cat is dead or alive and whatever happens to that cat, it happens because we open it, it happens because of our curiosity and if the cat is dead, it is because our curiosity got the best of us. Curiosity kills the cat, doesn't it?


p.s: Well, I don't know much about his experiment because I know it from John Green's book and it is actually related with physic and quantum and I don't understand a thing about physic, so if I put the wrong thing about Schrodinger's cat experiment then I am truly sorry and I do not mean it and I don't really think that there are physic enthusiasts who actually read my blog since this blog is full of craps but yeah, sorry. And you can google the whole Schrodinger's cat experiment if you want to know more or maybe you can watch some videos about it on youtube.

I hope we will find it

IKIGAI (生き甲斐) (pronounced: ee-ki-guy)

(n): is a Japanese concept meaning ''a reason for being''. A reason to get up in the morning, to enjoy the meaning of life, passion, purpose, something one lives for. According to the Japanese, all people have their own ikigai whether it is family, lover, friend, child, career, passion, hobby or anything else. 


Have I found it?
If not, please, let me find it. 

airports suck but I'm home!

There's always this thing about airport. It can be the saddest place and also the happiest place. It's a place where you leave and when you arrive. It's a place where you have to say goodbye and a place where you say hello. A place where you part away with your loved ones and a place where you meet again.

I wonder how many goodbye kisses the airports' walls have seen. How many hugs they have seen. How many ''see ya" and "goodbye" they have heard. How many happy tears and true smiles they have seen. Airports' walls are probably the proof that people are capable of feeling really really sad and really really happy. Airports are the place where you realize you have something worth coming back to when you're about to leave them. A place where you realize that leaving is hard, especially when you left something or someone who is so important and precious. A place where you realize you actually love the place you have to leave behind. But, it is also a place where you arrive and meet all the people you've missed so much. A place where you know you have so many people waiting for you to arrive, a place where you know that you are missed and loved, a place where you reunite, and God does it feel good to be back home.

note to self:

DON'T BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!!


I tend to do that a lot. And in the end, the disadvantages are all on me.


P.s: I hate being sick :(  

it's okay.

So, I decided to check my ask.fm earlier and there was this not-so-important question and my answer was "to hurt someone you used to love is to hurt yourself."
And I wanted to clarify myself. You shouldn't care about people whom you used to love. You don't even love them anymore. And there must be a reason why you don't love them anymore. Sure, you had a history with them but something happened and you stopped loving them. Maybe they hurt you, or you hurt them first or maybe you guys just drifted away but you should NOT care about them anymore. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish and think about yourself only. If you're happy doing the things you are doing now but you know it hurts the people from your past, then do it anyway. And besides, sometimes people worry too damn much. Maybe they do not even think about you anymore, so why should you?

Seriously, you should NOT care about the people you used to love. The word "used to" is there for a reason. If you think you're hurting them, then who cares? As long as you are happy then keep doing it. It's okay to leave pain in people's life. It will teach them a lesson about life and I think everyone wants to leave a little heartbreak in someone's heart. It makes them feel superior. It makes them feel good to know that they can impact someone's life so much. It sounds kind of cruel but if you keep thinking about them, when are you going to start thinking about yourself? You should not relate your happiness to your past or the people in it. Your happiness is from you and everything in the present. It's okay to be a little selfish, it's okay to hurt someone in the process of making a little happiness for you.

A Story (part 2)

for whoever who's reading this, I suggest you to read the part one first or else, this post will not make any sense. And here's the link for the first part.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And they were back together again. Only for a short period, though. Sweeter than ever. Everybody was jealous of them. But well, things changed. Distance was a bitch, really. Out of sight, out of mind. The sea between them was the problem. They tried hard, they really did. But the one got busier and suddenly it was only one of them who were trying and in love, one cannot try alone. In love, it required both party to work together. And I guess they got tired of the distance so they called it quit. And again, the happy couple was no longer a couple. Another break up. Another heartbreak created. Two more lonely people in this world.

I watched them fell in love and I watched them fell out of love. I was there when they were running in circle for so many times and I was there when they decided to give love another chance. I was there when they fought and made up. I was the one whom she told everything about him to. I was the one he asked for advice about birthday present for her. And when they broke up, I heard both story from the girl and the boy and funny how they both got a different side of story. Not that I blamed any of them because people will always try to defend their own self.

I couldn’t get them sometimes, or maybe most of the times. They broke up for so many times and every time they broke up, it ended up with them being sad and regretting the break up and yet they did it over and over again. But now, it seems like both of them have truly moved on. I didn’t keep up with any of them anymore but it looks like they are both doing just fine. I heard the girl is trying to give love another chance with another boy and I hope he is somehow better than her previous one.

Well, maybe they are not meant to be together. Maybe he was just a character that she met on the first few chapters of her story. Maybe their story is meant to be only a lesson for both of them. Yeah, maybe they should let each other go. And if they really did love each other, they'll meet again, somewhere in the future. After all, fate has a strange way of making plan.

But once again, first love dies. First love does not last. Maybe they’re both too drunk in the idea that first love lasts and maybe that’s why they gave it another chance again and again and again until they got tired. But honestly, they’re not the only ones. People are always in love with the idea of first love and how it will last forever. But only last love lasts, though. And if you’re lucky, the first can be the last. I hope they’re the lucky ones.

how are you, old man?

Hello, how's everything going up there?

Does heaven treat you good? Does it everything you expect to be? Are you looking down at me every once in a while? I bet you laughed so hard at me whenever I did something stupid or abnormal. Same old you.

I miss you, I always do. Even after 6 years I still miss you. I hope you're doing fine up there. I have so many things to say. You don't know how many times I wished I could run to you after my day ended and tell you about how my day was. You are still the only person I wanna run to whenever life gets hard and the only one I wanna run to whenever life gets pretty. It was easy with you, you know. You listened. And you gave amazing advice and you were so funny, you made a joke out of my problems and made it easy. God, I miss you. Do you know I am almost nineteen years old now? Your birthday presents were always the best, though. I mean what kind of grandfather gave a dozen of lacy underwear to a 12 years old girl as a birthday present? I remember how shocked I was when I opened that damn box and how hard you were trying to hold back your laughter. Oh how I miss your loud obnoxious laugh. I think it's a family treat, you know. The loud laugh. Mom has it and I have it, too. And maybe my children will have it, too. Why can't you give us something more beautiful like a cute shy laugh? But no, we all got your annoying loud laugh. But now, I would trade anything to hear that loud laugh of yours for one last time. Or maybe not, it would be so scary to suddenly hear that laugh out of nowhere.

Do you remember when you taught me to ride motorbike? You were probably the most patient guy I've ever met in my entire life. I was so clumsy I even forgot how many cats I almost sent to death. We would go every afternoon to the local stadium and you would let me ride the motorbike even though you knew damn well I was not that good at keeping the motorbike balanced.

Do you remember how we put so many stones into plastic bags and then we dropped it from the motorbike right in front of couples who were kissing and acting all lovey dovey in that dark corner near your home? I remember laughing too hard because we went too close to this couple and we accidentally dropped the plastic bag onto the man's foot that he literally yelped an ouch. It was always the highlight of my Saturday night. I was always waiting for another stones-dropping night like that, but well, it never happened again anyway.

Do you remember how you would ask me to hop on your motorbike when I was feeling down? You would ride with me for hours until I told you I was so tired of sitting down. Your motorbike was so uncomfortable, by the way. You would take me to literally no where and you just rode the motorbike through the roads I never knew existed. You were always so good at remembering roads and routes, you know. Lampung, Bandung, Jakarta, Depok, Medan, you knew it all like the back of your hand, even the less traveled roads. If God gave you more time to travel, I bet you would know about more roads in other different cities. Why can't you pass that ability to your granddaughter, huh? She has a problem with remembering roads and routes and she literally forgets way too easy, she almost got lost in a freaking mall. You would laugh so hard if you know about it.

Do you remember how you would ask for me when you were sick in the hospital? Do you remember how you would always ask me to give you a massage when you were sick? Do you remember our late night convos in the hospital when everyone else was already sleeping? You told me that I was your favorite grandchild and that I was the only grandchild you ever bathed and taken care of. You told me you didn't even bathe my uncle when he was a baby. I still don't know whether you were lying or not. But I was so glad and happy to hear that. You made me know how it felt to be someone's favorite and God, did it feel nice. You told me about your childhood and how you started to smoke when you were only a forth grader. You told me maybe it was the reason why you had cancer and that you didn't blame God for giving you cancer, it was your fault for smoking like a madman. But do you know somehow I still blame God for taking you away from me? I need someone to blame. People always need someone to blame and I got no one so I started to blame Him at my prayers. And I still do that sometimes. You told me about your dates with grandma and how grandma's family didn't approve of you at first but then they grew to love you so much. Everybody would love you had they got the chance to meet you, you know. You told me about mom's past lovers and how you would scare them away. You told me about your life in Bandung and how you promised to take me to all your favorite places in Bandung. And look at the reality now. You would never be able to take me to those favorite places of yours. You never told me about the names of the places, either. You said I had to wait and see. So I did. And maybe I still do now. Wait and see. Only I don't know what I am waiting for because you're not coming back forever and I still want to visit your favorite places in Bandung. Maybe it's the reason why I am here, in Bandung. I want to see the place you claimed to love so much after Medan. The place where you found your love and the place that shaped you into the amazing man I love so much. I am even studying in your former university. But one thing I am not going to do is being dropped out from uni because I want to get married. I can't get you sometimes, really. I mean how could you drop uni like that just because you wanted to get married?! What kind of irrational decision was that? You were so close to graduating but no, you decided it was too hard and so you dropped out. I still don't know what was going inside your head when you made that decision. For someone who was so bright, you could be so stupid sometimes.

But what I remember the most from our late night convo was our convo right before they moved you to Jakarta. You knew your cancer was getting more serious and you told me you hated being sick because you felt like you were taking everyone's time to take care of you and you said it was okay if you died. I remember how hard I cried that night. And it was like in the movie, you told me that I need to do everything that makes me happy and I should not care about people's judgments. You told me to go after everything I want in life and be what I really want, not what everyone else wants, not what my parents want. You told me to take care of my brother (I still had one brother back then) and my cousins and that I have to be a good example for them because I was the oldest and you said the oldest is always the example and someone to look up to. You told me no matter what happens and no matter how much grandchild you might have later when you are gone, I will always be your favorite. I told you you will always be my favorite, too and you laughed because I only had one grandpa.

After that, they brought you to Jakarta and I only stayed for 3 days and since then I never saw you anymore, well not alive. We talked on the phone regularly and I still told you about my day and some crazy stuffs I did at school and you still listened like you always did but I could tell it was hard for you to talk. Sometimes you got so breathless and sounded so tired and it was so heartbreaking. I never heard your annoying loud laugh anymore or your unique bataknese accent. You didn't shout when you talked. You didn't yell "BAH!" anymore and that's when I knew your cancer was getting more serious. You were getting weaker every time I talked to you.

But then somehow you managed to get better due to the chemos you took and the doctor said you could go back to Lampung for a while. You were so excited. You said you couldn't wait to see me and you told me how good you looked with your bald head and I was happy, too. I finally got to see you again after 3 months. God knows how much I miss you. Me and my family were supposed to pick you up from Jakarta on Monday morning. I remember how you suddenly insisted us to come sooner. I remember how grandma told my mom that one night you were acting crazy and yelled at her that you wanted to go home right at the moment, you even called the taxi to pick you up. You were not kidding when you said you couldn't wait to get home, were you? You got your wish. You got home on Sunday morning. One day earlier that the first plan. Only you didn't make it alive. You were dead when you got home. Maybe that was the reason why you yelled at grandma about how much you wanted to go home sooner. You never yelled at grandma. You knew your time on earth was almost over, didn't you? That's why you insisted to go home soon. If only we listened to you. If only. Do you know how much I cried after you died? Me neither. I lost counts. I was so close to seeing you again after 3 months but you were gone too soon and it has been 6 years and 6 months since the last time I saw you alive and breathing.

And it's Ramadan. Our favorite month and it's my 6th Ramadan without you and my first Ramadan I spend away from home and it still feels different without you. Like there's something missing. I am writing you this long-ass latter because I didn't get the chance to visit you in the beginning of Ramadan and I feel bad for not visiting so I write this instead. I know you cannot even read it but well, I miss you and I hope you miss me, too. I hope you are happy wherever you are right now and know that I will always love you no matter how old I get. Hope all is well up there and that you don't cause so many problems up there.

I'll see you when I see you.



p.s: I really hope I am still your favorite because I have a new brother now and he's so cute and it's so hard not to make him a favorite. He's everyone's favorite. And I understand if you like him more than you like me. But I hope I am still your favorite.